Here comes an honest and vulnerable blog my friends. God is laying this heavy on heart so I will be faithful and write, but this is not easy for me to admit. Trust me.
I live a crazy life and I love every minute of it, but I have a sin issue and its name is pride. Pride gives birth to some nasty character traits in my life such as my desire to control, jealousy, anger, and impatience. Traits that do not define me, but I will always wrestle with this side of heaven.
Last night Nick had a friend over for "bro time". It was my suggestion, I just didn't realize he was going to act so quickly on what I suggested. I honestly didn't care we had a visitor, but being the third wheel was a hard pill for my pride to swallow. Nick said I could hang out with them and I knew he meant it but that would have been awkward so I declined the invite and did what I do best when I am upset. I went to pout and sulk. They went outside and something inside me said "pray" but instead I chose to nurture my ill feelings and allow them to take me deep into my sin.
I never doubt Nick's love for me and I find my value in Christ, so my pride called on the twins to pay me a visit. Their names are Misunderstood and Unappreciated. They always come to play when I am unwilling to humbly surrender my pride and allow Christ to speak truth to my life through prayer and perspective. Misunderstood and Unappreciated paid me a visit and decided to spend the night in my mind when I chose to go to bed angry. God kept telling me to pray and I knew I should, so I prayed an apathetic, uninspired prayer that was quenched of Spirit or faith. I went through the motions and as I prayed, I rocked the twins and tucked them into bed in my mind feeling like a martyred wife who puts the needs of her husband before her own while her sacrifice is not recognized or appreciated.
I was falling asleep but woke up when Nick came in. He said he loved me and he hugged me and I could tell he wanted to talk to reconcile our differences. I told him I was fine and I was just tired. But, honestly, my pride and anger were holding unto me instead. I didn't want to talk so I tried to fall asleep and denied Nick any opportunity for conversation that would lead to reconciliation.
The next morning, I awoke and I couldn't really remember why this event made me so upset. It was pretty trivial, but the twins still lingered and began to awake in my mind as I started to get ready for my day. My pride would not allow me to communicate effectively and it also blinded me from seeing the blessings God had given, so I kept feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. I harbored those emotions and allowed the twins to rob me of the blessings given with a new day.
Nick could tell I was not myself and he apologized for not giving me a heads up on the "bro time". This made me feel even worse because his apology reminded me of my sin, so now I felt guilt on top of everything else. I needed to get gas and I had woke up late, so I hurried to get ready while Nick helped me get the kids ready and made my coffee. The guilt was becoming quite a load now because he is such a good husband and always tries to make my morning easier with lots of help and support.
As I drove, Stella was cranky and I was disappointed at Samantha for not finishing her homework. I was not patient or understanding with my children. Finally when things calmed down, we drove in silence and my mood kept getting worse and worse until I felt overwhelmed and desparate.
When I arrived to school, I was emotionally not ready to begin my day. How had things gotten so bad? Why did I allow the twins to take such trivial situations and magnify them into Def-con 5? How can I erase the last 14 hours and start over with a new perspective on my crazy life? As I sat and tried to collect myself, I heard the Spirit whisper... pray. I didn't want to, but in my sin and brokenness, I had no choice I needed to pray. I texted Nick and asked him to pray for me too and I did what I should have done the night before...
When I prayed, I humbled myself and repented of my sin, my pride. I acknowledged my wretchedness and complete dependance on Him for anything good. I asked God to take away my pride so I can understand others and appreciate what He has given me. I thanked Him for His grace and forgiveness. I thanked Him for my husband and my family and as I prayed my mood began to soften as perspective and grace began to nurture the thoughts in my mind. The twins disappeared and with their departure, I was able to see the deep love and understanding that is born when I am fully known by my Creator.
After I prayed, I looked at my phone and saw encouraging text messages from Nick and 6 other people. I texted Nick and asked if he had organized this text bombardment. He told me he had been praying for me all morning and he had texted no one. He did text me a prayer and this is what it said:
I'm praying that God would remind you of your value and worth and the eternal investments that you have made in people, starting with me, and our children and that can't be taken for granted or minimized. I love you and you are a difference maker in the lives of so many! Don't believe the lies of the deceiver. I love you!!! I thanked him for his prayers and told him how blessed I was to be married to him. I told him about the text messages and I praised God for answered prayers and marveled in His design and how He orchestrates everything good.
How good is our God friends! God is so good and in spite of my sin and pride, He loves me and reaches down and uses others to bless and encourage me. I should have listened to God last night my friends. When I heard the Spirit tell me to pray, I should have listened. When my pride began to surface, I should have humbly knelt down in repentance and prayed. I spewed so much pain and poison towards the ones I love, value, and appreciate because I chose to listen to the lies of the deceiver instead of listening to the voice of God. The remorse I have and natural consequences I must face for my pride and anger, all could have been avoided if I would have just prayed.
I am a wretched person apart from Christ and I don't have many good traits if not empowered by the Spirit. I'm so thankful God uses me not because I am worthy but because I am willing. I will always have a sin issue this side of heaven and I will need to humble myself, repent, and surrender to Him daily, hourly, and as often as possible to avoid the pain and consequences of my sinfulness. I hurt people when my pride and the twins pay me a visit. Nothing good happens when I am proud and refuse to yield control to the will of my Savior.
I celebrate today the cleansing power that comes from confession and repentance. I celebrate today His deep love for me and His ability to use others to encourage me when I am feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. I celebrate the game changing power of prayer and the huge blessing it is to have people who care praying for you. I celebrate each prayer warrior, each encouraging text message, and each willing heart who is in tune to the voice of God and listens when He calls them to action. Being vulnerable and confessing our sin is not an easy task but there is power in transparency and grace for those who call upon His name. May we all call upon others to help us in our brokenness so they may spur us on with grace and understanding as we celebrate all the goodness of God who transforms our hearts from the inside out.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
~James 5:16
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