Do you ever feel like a chicken with their head cut off? I felt like that this weekend. I had so much to do and no time to get any of it accomplished well. We had a 5th quarter Friday night and it is awesome to see the youth play and hang out but we did not get home until midnight. We had soccer all morning Saturday and I love to watch my kids play but 3 hours at the soccer fields can be tiring. We had church things to accomplish on Saturday which I love doing and an International event Saturday night that I was really excited about. As the weekend progressed, I began to feel so inadequate. There was so much to plan and prepare. I wanted to give 100% to everything which left me feeling frustrated and ineffective.
"No one will trust you to plan anything again if this is the best you can do. Who will want to come if you have nothing else to offer? You are inadequate for the task, not good for much and your attempts at doing anything completely miss the mark." I heard these comments and fought off the pain at first. But the more I tried to pull it together and get things done, the louder the voices got and the more I started to believe them. The harder I worked, the more I felt broken down and ineffective. Weak and unsuited for much of anything.
I had no logical reason for having such strong fears of self doubt that day. I tried hard not to listen but when I dropped my guard I slipped back an inch and the inadequacies I felt began to pull me back a mile. I struggled through the afternoon and by evening I didn't feel like being around anyone. I was overwhelmed and I felt too exhausted and stressed to attend the event I had been looking forward to for weeks. I felt very unaccomplished and ineffective. I felt like nothing I did made a difference and I was just spinning my wheels.
Nick knew how I'd been feeling. He was busy too and I didn't want to drag him into my pity party but I'm not good at hiding my emotions either so he tried to give me pep talks throughout the day. As the evening came closer, it could not be avoided. I had to really talk about how I was feeling mostly because I was going to cry or snap if I didn't.
I finally spoke what the voices in my head were telling me. It felt good to let them speak, but also hard at the same time. I have said before and I truly mean it, everyone needs someone who can speak Biblical truth into their lives. Nick is my someone. As we talked about how I felt, He told me I wasn't enough and never would be, but God is. He reminded me of the simple truth that I can't do it all, but He can. As long as I rely on my strength, I will always fall short. But as soon as I rely on His strength... the sky's the limit. Nick assured me that feelings are not always facts. We can't rely and trust on how we feel especially when Satan is trying to make us feel unusable. It doesn't matter how we see ourselves, the only thing that matters is how God sees us and to Him we are His creation and made in His image. Beautiful and capable of amazing things as long as we allow the Creator to use us, His creation, as instruments and tools for His glory.
As we talked, Nick helped me put my fears and doubts into perspective. You cannot trust how you feel you must hold true to what you know and rest easy in the simple truth that God chooses the weak and makes them strong. He chooses the least and gives them might. God uses impossible circumstances and outcasts and through them creates a powerful story of His love and mercy.
I went to the dinner that night and enjoyed delicious food while I visited with my Indian family and friends. We laughed and enjoyed each others' company as we talked and ate atomic war heads. As the weekend progressed I still battled these feelings but I felt confident they were not facts. I am a beautiful creation, designed for a purpose by a Master Creator. I am an inadequate child but Christ loves me anyways and transforms my inadequacies into my strengths for His glory alone.
As I rocked sweet Stella after I got home Sunday night, I thought about how much I was depending on my own strength this weekend to get me through. I relied on myself to create instead of on the Creator. I hesitated to write this blog because it is very transparent and vulnerable for me. It's not easy to admit your feelings, fears, and doubts. The truth is my friends we are all inadequate children not able to face the challenges of life and constantly reminded by Satan that we are weak and our best is not good enough. It's when we stand confident and look at ourselves through the eyes of Jesus that we understand our true worth and value.
So I celebrate my inadequacy. I celebrate I will never be enough. I celebrate how I will often miss the mark. With Christ His power is made perfect in my weakness and I can always rely in His promises and the covenant He made with me for I am His child and that dear friends is not a feeling, it's a fact.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~ 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
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