I Thought I Understood, But I Guess I Don't...

I thought I understood but I guess I don't. I thought I could see the truth for what it is but I guess I can't, and this concept revealed to me is very difficult to wrap my head around. 

I went to the hardware store yesterday with my children. I thought one of my children had lied to me about something trivial but they would not admit it. I do not tolerate dishonesty and I told my kids if one of them did not tell the truth, they were all in trouble. I had a feeling it was Lily. We have caught her lying before and she would be my child I trust the least because she can be mischievous and try to hide her mistakes with half truths and sneaky behaviors. I pressed her hard and wanted the truth, until she finally broke and confessed. 

When we got home I washed her mouth out with soap and stressed to her the importance of being honest and telling the truth. I said things like "God want us to always be honest" and "Honest people have healthy relationships, nothing good comes from lying." All the right words to convey to her the seriousness of this character flaw. I knew it was her, and until she fessed up I was not going to yield.

That night I went to a Bible study and this story came up in conversation about how hard it is to teach those tough lessons but the importance of these moments and consistency. I was proud of myself for being a mom that taught hard lessons to her child and didn't always protect them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors. I didn't like doing it, but Lily had to be taught a lesson and I loved her too much to allow her to continue not being trustworthy. Her past discretion's showed me she could not be trusted and she needed to change how she was perceived. 

I was driving home afterwards with Lily in the car and we talked about what happened and reminding her about this important lesson. She took her punishment very well and even reminded me to wash her mouth out when we had gotten home from the store which honestly frustrated me even more. As we talked about the events of the day, Lily taught me a valuable life lesson I will never forget. 

"Momma?" 
"Yes Lily."
"Don't get mad but I really didn't do it. I didn't lie. I just said I did so Sam and Lucas wouldn't get in trouble. I knew you wouldn't believe me but I didn't do it. Honest momma. I don't know what happened but I didn't do anything." 

The events in the store came flooding over me. Could I have made a mistake? Could this have been a misunderstanding? I was so sure Lily had been dishonest because of her past history that it never occurred to me to give her the benefit of the doubt. I decided she needed to learn a lesson on trust before I even had evidence trust was broken. My daughter felt like I wouldn't advocate for her so she took a punishment she did not deserve so her siblings would not suffer. I had no proof she was lying or had done anything wrong. Why didn't I just believe her and see how this whole silly thing could have been a misunderstanding?

Waves of humility, guilt, and sorrow came over me. How could I fix this situation and turn my sin and haste judgments into a teachable moment? After we got home I held her. I told her how proud I was of her for looking after her siblings. I told her God has a special purpose for her life and I'm so thankful she is my daughter. I told her to always stand up for the truth and never waiver when others call you a liar because they don't understand but they will probably come around. I told her she could always come to me and I apologized for not believing her but I told her I learned my lesson and I would be there for her from now on. We hugged and held each other and I tucked her in bed. 

Friends, what's wrong with me? I get on this high ground where I know the "truth" and until the truth comes out or my way is accepted I will not yield. Do you feel that way sometimes? God taught me another valuable lesson through my sweet Lily. Pride and our perception can cause the truth to be muddied and unclear. I thought I was teaching my daughter the importance of telling the truth, but she taught me I need to allow myself to search for what is real even if it's a truth I am not wanting to accept. I must allow myself to trust her word after forgiveness was given for past mistakes. 

You see, a big red "L" was on her shirt before I even asked the question. Lily tends to be dishonest so giving her the benefit of the doubt was not an option but, isn't that what God does for us? We have a big "L" on our shirts too. We say we love God but with our actions, we are proved to be a liar. That's when God in His divine grace and mercy gives us the benefit of the doubt through His son Jesus and takes that "L" off of our chests and replaces it with a white robe and a crown. He calls us His child and does not use our past mistakes to make judgements on our future behaviors. I do not deserve the benefit of the doubt, but it was given to me none the less by His sacrifice.

So I celebrate my Lily and the lesson of humility and grace she taught me. I celebrate a God who gives me the benefit of the doubt and calls me to give this courtesy to others. Our God takes our sin and remembers it no more. I know I can't humanly forget her past indiscretions but I can choose to not hold them against her as Christ holds nothing against me. When she said the first time it wasn't her, I have trusted and believed her. I had no reason not to, accept her past behaviors. I gave her no opportunity to take the red "L" off and exchange it for a new identity. I celebrate what Lily can be if I allow her to form a new identity bathed by grace, confidence, and support.

Thank you Lord for loving me enough to not leave me broken but to continue to refine me by your Spirit of grace and truth. Teach me daily Lord how to be a better momma and grow inside my children a desire and love for You and Your ways. I don't deserve the grace I'm shown, don't let me forget to pass this grace along to others. Help me to cultivate an intrinsic voice inside my children that says you are loved, you are valued, you are good, and you are His child. Break me Father and make me more like you as I try to humbly walk in Your ways and strive to be a momma that can trust and truly be a peace.