The Idol of Control

I don't know why God always calls me to write about the messy bits of life but when He calls I answer so here goes nothing...

I have done a lot of soul searching and I have come to the conclusion I like to control things. When I am not in control, or do not trust the plan of the person that is, I must fight hard not to pull in the reins and try to control things myself. I know my plans do not always work, nor do I understand everything I attempt so sometimes it's best to allow others to lead and trust God has a reason for their leadership. Even if the project we lead is unsuccessful, we learn lessons that teach us what to do differently next time. Control can be detrimental to relationships when it does not allow others to lead and express a directive they are passionate about and capable of achieving. 

Nick and I got into a fight last night... a big one born from my need to control. It happens very rarely so as we were fighting it felt "other" and uncomfortable. We know each other so well and, with this deep intimacy, also comes powerful ammunition. We know just the right words or nonverbal cues to antagonize the other so that the battle continued with verbal lashings and eye rolling. In full disclosure this was the time of month when my emotions are heightened and fuse quite a bit shorter so I felt like a tea kettle that was boiling and steam just had to escape. Nick, unfortunately, caught me at the wrong moment when he could not answer my question the way I thought it needed to be answered.

My husband is an amazing man and I am truly blessed. He is hard working, loves the Lord passionately, and is devoted to me and his children. But it is difficult for me to not be in control of somethings. I hope the wives reading my blog can relate. I think a task should be done this way, he does not. So we fight. It doesn't happen often but it did last night and our children had a front of view of the action.

Our fight only lasted 10-15 minutes before Nick apologized and tried to bring forgiveness to our conflict. He was not in the wrong to begin with, I was but Nick wanted badly to resolve this problem so he took the high road. I am so grateful to have a husband who takes the high road. It's such a humbling road to travel and people who walk this road are always admired and appreciated by others. I apologized as well and the anger began to subside as it was washed away by perspective and communication. We talked and tried to bring resolution to the situation. I apologized and tried to encourage him to minimize the damage my words had inflicted.

There are times in life you wish you could do over and rewind. This was one of those times. Why did I loose my temper and allow myself to enter into a dialog that was so unhealthy and damaging? I was convicted of my desire to take control even when it's not beneficial. My innate response was to fight and argue my opinion even though I knew it would cause hard feelings and hostility. I was convicted of this new found "idol" in my life. The desire to control if left unchecked can smother relationships and arrogantly tell God your way is best and your will more important than His. I never considered the idea I could worship and adore "control" but the reality I do, hit me hard and deep.

After the fight was over, the tunnel vision subsided and I began to think about what my children had just seen. During our fight, Samantha had gone to her room to create a list that could help Nick and I complete the task we were fighting about. That's Samantha, our gifted peace maker who tries hard to help others find resolution and dissipate conflict. Lucas had begun to fold laundry and he asked us what else he could do to help. Lucas can sense tension and he is a fixer so he tried to fix and help anyway he could. Lily, the emotional gauge for our family, was sitting in the living room sucking her thumb and stroking her arm. When Lily is stressed or tired she will suck her thumb and stroke the arm of the person who is cuddling with her. She says she wants to "love on your arm" so it didn't surprise me she was doing this to sooth and comfort herself. Our children very rarely see us fight and they handle situations differently, so I think they were trying to process and cope as they tried to solve and survive conflict the best way they knew how. Each child in their own way tried to help the family unit find harmony again and I deeply admire them for doing this even if they did it unintentionally.

I went to sleep repentant and slept well under a blanket of grace and forgiveness. As I drove the kids to school this morning, I thanked them for their help last night and apologized for my behavior. I let them know how much I love their dad and tried to tie things back to my faith in Christ. Our talk was not eloquently worded. I fumbled on what I was going to say as the thoughts of the previous evening played through my mind. I know it is important to model forgiveness and repentance, but it is difficult to do none the less. They told me it was ok and not much more was said on the subject but I felt better knowing they knew I was sorry. I felt a sense of relief as I clearly communicated how much I love and appreciate them.

The idol of control can destroy our relationships. Control can be a good thing when balanced, but swing the pendulum too far one way and it can reek havoc in our relationships. Most people do not recognize this idol. Abuse can be a siren to blare it's existence but it also can be clearly seen in a marriage where one person cannot do anything right or never live up to the expectation of the other. It can be seen when we belittle the ones we love because they do not live up to the standard or fit the mold we have plastered. If he does not put something where we think it should go or complete a task the way we think it should be done the idol of control begins to erect inside our hearts as we stand firm that our way is right and we know what is best.

There are unshakable truths and uncompromisable moral beliefs that we must cling to please do not get me wrong. But when he wants to spend the extra money he has earned on something he enjoys is that one of them? When he wants to play basketball once a week with his friends or the way he folds laundry can we not compromise and release control on those situations? When our kids want to wear clothes that don't match and look ridiculous can we not let them? Can we not allow our kids a consequence or two at school to teach them responsibility and to own their education so we do not have to remind them to get their planner signed and to show us important notes.

Whether it is our spouse or our children we must fight the urge to control the mundane and unimportant issues in life so that the ones we love can build confidence in their abilities or learn from their mistakes. Control can rob others of the joys and lessons life has to offer. We must call out this idol and try to not fall back into this detrimental habit that can daily consume us if we are not aware.

As I rock sweet Stella I celebrate the memories and lessons I have learned about myself. I celebrate my need for a Savior. I celebrate the realization that I worship and love a God who is in control and has my best interest at heart. When I want to desperately grab unto control, may I be reminded of the memories of conflict and strife that happen as a result of my stubbornness. May I always allow my loved ones the blessings that come with leadership and the lessons that come from failure.

Thank you Lord for using us in spite of our inadequacies. Help us to continue to learn from our mistakes so that our sin can showcase your grace and forgiveness. Lord help us to daily tear down the idol of control and resurrect an attitude of patience, peace making, and the gift of compromise.