I Can't Try Any Harder

I have said to Nick before in total desperation, "I can't try any harder. What do you want me to do?" And I remember him saying, "God doesn't want you to try, He wants you to let go."

Can you relate friends? If you are like me, you see a task you do it. There's a problem, you try to fix it. It's so easy to get wrapped up in my own abilities and desires and focus on me instead of focusing on Jesus. My intentions are pure, as I try to fix and prove myself but that's what made this realization all the more difficult to accept. I humbly lay down my abilities at His feet, but quickly pick them up to prove I am worthy, I am good enough, I am able to serve with the best of them. I call this humble pride and if we are honest with ourselves, we have all struggled with taking pride in how humble and truly sacrificial we are. 

The proud fixate on what they can do and become weary and laden with the problems and troubles around them. But those who fix themselves on the Lord, have a renewed strength and do not grow weary. They rely on Gods provision and abilities and give Him glory in all circumstances and situations. 

You see friends, we don't understand everything but God does. We can't fix things as completely and perfectly as He can. When we take a step back, submit our will to Christ and allow Him to do the fixing and move in our lives, we feel all things good. Because perfect love drives out all fear and His ways are far better than our own. 

God gets it. Let that truly sink in. He gets it and He's going to do something about it, just on His time and in His way. It seems like the more I step in to try to resolve the problem, the more mess I make and God whispers simple truths, "Be still, I'm here. Think of only things excellent and praiseworthy. Be joyous in all circumstances and worship me no matter what happens. I've got it. Be at peace."

So I celebrate today letting go of what I think I can do and letting God do what He does best. I celebrate full surrender that comes deep inside my soul when I painfully submit my pride and idols at His feet. I celebrate the joyous rest I feel when I truly allow God to take over as I step back and allow myself to marvel at His ways and praise Him through the storm. 

I confess my inadequacies and call upon the One who can take my brokenness and transform it into something beautiful. God is and will always be able to handle it. He doesn't care about my works, He asks me to fully surrender. Not work; surrender. I've got to stop trying to prove I'm worth dying for and just let go and surrender my will, my control, my abilities, my understanding, my desires to Him. Trust Him and truly be at peace. No more trying to show Him in worth loving, just accept I am loved. 

God can and will take care of it, on His time and in His way. He's on the throne my friends, and I must stop trying to wrestle for that seat in my own life. No more trying. No more working. Only worship and surrender. 

Celebrate my friends celebrate for His love is deeper than our humanness can ever comprehend and completely undeserved and not attached to anything we have ever done or will do. He loves us because He is love, and nothing I do our ever will do can make Him love me any more or less. When this truth becomes real to us, it changes everything. 

Let it sink in. Let it go. Let God love you how He wants to and stop trying to prove yourself for He's able and willing to make things right His way on His timeframe. 

Celebrate my friends, celebrate. 

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:1-2 NIV

Bought a Lie With My Excuses and Delusions...

I'm going to be honest, this topic is difficult for me to write about because it's a sensitive issue most people do not want to discuss. Having said this, it's a sensitive issue because Satan has mutated and twisted it's definition and purpose. Deep down we all know what the Bible says and that we should obey, but our fear and delusions cause of us to easily dismiss God commandments.

I spent some of my adult life knowing what I should do and making excuses on why not do it. I knew what the Bible said and I even taught others why the Bible commanded it, but I felt I did not have to apply these same principles to myself.

I was generous with my time and bought snacks for youth group kids and crayons for children's church. I donated items when there was a sign up sheet and volunteered weekly doing what good Christians do. I was so deep in my own excuses and delusions that I allowed Satan to convince me what I was doing was enough and God's commandments were for someone else. Someone who had more resources, someone more financially secure.

I robbed myself of the blessings God intended for my life and allowed my mind to be poisoned with lies and beliefs that God did not provide enough. I promised myself I would be faithful after I got my ducks in a row because I was afraid I would not have enough to live on and afraid of not being in control. I think deep down I believed God shouldn't have it because I had worked so hard to earn it, so I decided to choose how I would sacrifice instead of being obedient to what God commanded in His Word. Like a child who was asked to share her favorite treat, I would break off a tiny piece of the corner instead of giving what I knew was being asked and what was deserved.

Friends, I was wicked and sinful with my treasure and for years did not follow the commands of God as Satan lulled me into a false reality of who's treasure it was in the first place. To the world, we gave. We gave of our time and we bought snacks and materials for the ministry, but tithing was not something we were faithful to. The command to tithe was for someone else and we ignored God's design and calling for His people.

Through trials and financial pain, God showed us our wickedness. He showed us how sinful a life focused on fear and control can be. You see friends, I wanted to tithe but I told myself I would be a generous tither when I had more and was financially stable. I pushed the tithe into tomorrow but tomorrow never came because I never allowed God to transform how I view and spend the provisions He had provided. We bought the lies of the enemy and traded God's promise in Matthew 6 for cable TV and a Sonic drink allowance. It wasn't until we were seriously broken that Nick and I decided to try another path.

It was out of desperation that we began to give generously, not out of abundance. As we gave, we prayed God would forgive and change us. We claimed His promise to provide what we needed and we gave generously because holding unto what we had was not working. We always needed more, wanted more, or had something come up. Our focus was on taking care of ourselves instead of being obedient to what God commanded. 

God provides my friends and I can testify to His provision. I could tell you story after story of how God came through for us financially when we were in need. The provision God has shown my family has trickled into all aspects of my life. I trust God will provide, period. I don't worry so much about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself and God loves me so much more than the birds of the air or the flowers in the field. He provides richly for His creation which does not worry, so how much more will He provide for what I need.

Dear friends God will provide, but when we fear tomorrow and control what is not ours to take, we become trapped in a cycle of never being satisfied or having enough. We thank God for what He gives and pray He will bless us with more, but at the same time we defy God's ways and do not give Him what He asks and deserves.

I can't tell you how liberating it is to lay down my treasures at His feet and allow Him to provide what we need. It is a constant struggle because Satan wants me to take back control and He always whispers reasons why I should not obey God's command to tithe but I stopped listening years ago. Nick and I generously give to the church and have for years. God has blessed us with a completely different outlook on our finances. We prayed He would transform our perspective on how we spend what He provides and by His grace and goodness, He has. It is a lot easier for us to tithe and meet the needs of others when we stop believing we are entitled to what God has given.

I still get scared when things are tight and the future financially uncertain, but I don't let that fear control how I manage what God has given. I'm faithful through the fear and sometimes it's sacrificially painful but I emotionally write the check because God always comes through. We've had to adjust how we live, and through these adjustments God has showed us a better more simplistic way to live. God's ways are best and He knows what He's doing. He doesn't need our treasure, but He knows what will happen to us if we hold on to it. Friends He wants us to be obedient in the tithe so He can give us a new perspective on what's truly important. What matters in life can't be purchased and like any good Father, God desires to love, provide, and care for His children. He wants us to rely on Him as a child relies on their parent.

Whether you are financially comfortable or living paycheck to paycheck and just getting by, if you focus on what you don't have and do not evaluate how you are spending what God has blessed you with, it is difficult to be a wise steward of what He has given. It's only when we evaluate how we use our time and treasure that God starts to transform our perception and how we handle what God provides.

I celebrate the lessons God taught us when we were broken and deep in debt and sin. God brought us out of our hardships and showed us what is truly important and the value in tithing and giving above and beyond our means. I celebrate the burden lifted when we acknowledged His Lordship over our earthly treasures. God freed us to be His children when we allowed Him take care of tomorrow while we focused on the joy and beauty of today.

God does not ask us to be obedient and tithe because He needs our money. He asks us to tithe because He knows the power sacrificial giving has on our hearts. He knows how far our hearts can turn from Him and His ways if we allow ourselves to adopt characteristics and responsibilities reserved for God and God alone. It's God's job to create and sustain His creation and when we rely on ourselves to provide for the future, we enter a power struggle with God. If we do not humble ourselves, our sin and greed take over to blind our gratitude and extinguish our servant's heart.

Celebrate God for what He has given. Generously give what you have and allow Christ to show you the blessings of being financially obedient to Him. Celebrate His design and purpose for His people and give Him thanks for all He has blessed us with. God is so good to us. Even in the darkest valleys, He is there providing a way. Thank you God for always providing even when things seem impossible you always come through. Show us the blessing given through obedience and help us to celebrate what You have given and who You are with giving back to You a portion of what You have provided.  

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.



~Matthew 6: 19-34 

Honest and Vulnerable Once Again...

Here comes an honest and vulnerable blog my friends. God is laying this heavy on heart so I will be faithful and write, but this is not easy for me to admit. Trust me.

I live a crazy life and I love every minute of it, but I have a sin issue and its name is pride. Pride gives birth to some nasty character traits in my life such as my desire to control, jealousy, anger, and impatience. Traits that do not define me, but I will always wrestle with this side of heaven.

Last night Nick had a friend over for "bro time". It was my suggestion, I just didn't realize he was going to act so quickly on what I suggested. I honestly didn't care we had a visitor, but being the third wheel was a hard pill for my pride to swallow. Nick said I could hang out with them and I knew he meant it but that would have been awkward so I declined the invite and did what I do best when I am upset. I went to pout and sulk. They went outside and something inside me said "pray" but instead I chose to nurture my ill feelings and allow them to take me deep into my sin.

I never doubt Nick's love for me and I find my value in Christ, so my pride called on the twins to pay me a visit. Their names are Misunderstood and Unappreciated. They always come to play when I am unwilling to humbly surrender my pride and allow Christ to speak truth to my life through prayer and perspective. Misunderstood and Unappreciated paid me a visit and decided to spend the night in my mind when I chose to go to bed angry. God kept telling me to pray and I knew I should, so I prayed an apathetic, uninspired prayer that was quenched of Spirit or faith. I went through the motions and as I prayed, I rocked the twins and tucked them into bed in my mind feeling like a martyred wife who puts the needs of her husband before her own while her sacrifice is not recognized or appreciated.

I was falling asleep but woke up when Nick came in. He said he loved me and he hugged me and I could tell he wanted to talk to reconcile our differences. I told him I was fine and I was just tired. But, honestly, my pride and anger were holding unto me instead. I didn't want to talk so I tried to fall asleep and denied Nick any opportunity for conversation that would lead to reconciliation.

The next morning, I awoke and I couldn't really remember why this event made me so upset. It was pretty trivial, but the twins still lingered and began to awake in my mind as I started to get ready for my day. My pride would not allow me to communicate effectively and it also blinded me from seeing the blessings God had given, so I kept feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. I harbored those emotions and allowed the twins to rob me of the blessings given with a new day.

Nick could tell I was not myself and he apologized for not giving me a heads up on the "bro time". This made me feel even worse because his apology reminded me of my sin, so now I felt guilt on top of everything else. I needed to get gas and I had woke up late, so I hurried to get ready while Nick helped me get the kids ready and made my coffee. The guilt was becoming quite a load now because he is such a good husband and always tries to make my morning easier with lots of help and support.
As I drove, Stella was cranky and I was disappointed at Samantha for not finishing her homework. I was not patient or understanding with my children. Finally when things calmed down, we drove in silence and my mood kept getting worse and worse until I felt overwhelmed and desparate.

When I arrived to school, I was emotionally not ready to begin my day. How had things gotten so bad? Why did I allow the twins to take such trivial situations and magnify them into Def-con 5? How can I erase the last 14 hours and start over with a new perspective on my crazy life? As I sat and tried to collect myself, I heard the Spirit whisper... pray. I didn't want to, but in my sin and brokenness, I had no choice I needed to pray. I texted Nick and asked him to pray for me too and I did what I should have done the night before...

When I prayed, I humbled myself and repented of my sin, my pride. I acknowledged my wretchedness and complete dependance on Him for anything good. I asked God to take away my pride so I can understand others and appreciate what He has given me. I thanked Him for His grace and forgiveness. I thanked Him for my husband and my family and as I prayed my mood began to soften as perspective and grace began to nurture the thoughts in my mind. The twins disappeared and with their departure, I was able to see the deep love and understanding that is born when I am fully known by my Creator.

After I prayed, I looked at my phone and saw encouraging text messages from Nick and 6 other people. I texted Nick and asked if he had organized this text bombardment. He told me he had been praying for me all morning and he had texted no one. He did text me a prayer and this is what it said:
I'm praying that God would remind you of your value and worth and the eternal investments that you have made in people, starting with me, and our children and that can't be taken for granted or minimized. I love you and you are a difference maker in the lives of so many! Don't believe the lies of the deceiver. I love you!!! I thanked him for his prayers and told him how blessed I was to be married to him. I told him about the text messages and I praised God for answered prayers and marveled in His design and how He orchestrates everything good.

How good is our God friends! God is so good and in spite of my sin and pride, He loves me and reaches down and uses others to bless and encourage me. I should have listened to God last night my friends. When I heard the Spirit tell me to pray, I should have listened. When my pride began to surface, I should have humbly knelt down in repentance and prayed. I spewed so much pain and poison towards the ones I love, value, and appreciate because I chose to listen to the lies of the deceiver instead of listening to the voice of God. The remorse I have and natural consequences I must face for my pride and anger, all could have been avoided if I would have just prayed.

I am a wretched person apart from Christ and I don't have many good traits if not empowered by the Spirit. I'm so thankful God uses me not because I am worthy but because I am willing. I will always have a sin issue this side of heaven and I will need to humble myself, repent, and surrender to Him daily, hourly, and as often as possible to avoid the pain and consequences of my sinfulness. I hurt people when my pride and the twins pay me a visit. Nothing good happens when I am proud and refuse to yield control to the will of my Savior.

I celebrate today the cleansing power that comes from confession and repentance. I celebrate today His deep love for me and His ability to use others to encourage me when I am feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. I celebrate the game changing power of prayer and the huge blessing it is to have people who care praying for you. I celebrate each prayer warrior, each encouraging text message, and each willing heart who is in tune to the voice of God and listens when He calls them to action. Being vulnerable and confessing our sin is not an easy task but there is power in transparency and grace for those who call upon His name. May we all call upon others to help us in our brokenness so they may spur us on with grace and understanding as we celebrate all the goodness of God who transforms our hearts from the inside out. 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
~James 5:16

My Thoughts on Motherhood. You are Welcome to Them...

Trying to live for an audience of One is hard when the show of your life has begun and the glorious musical you want to perform is overtaken by a 3 ring circus featuring you, center stage. Moms live in a sphere of never fully attentive to anything but split between marriage, family, work and activities. From missing shoes to missed deadlines, something is always demanding our attention and blocking our view from the audience we have committed to serve. 

Yes, living for an audience of One can be very difficult. But remember dear friend. Your Audience and your Creator are the same. Your Audience understands your life is a 3 ring circus because He designed it to be full of blessed chaos. Filled with sweet side shows,  death-defying acts, and the occasional 10-15 little people jumping out of a tiny car. God created, loves, and values every moment of your motherhood. Don't loose sight of the Audience while you enjoy His creation. 

Be attentive to His voice, be intentional with your time and treasures. Stop and take time everyday to celebrate and just be with Him. After all, the best shows are always performed for the Audience. Allow the show of your life to be performed and focused on the One who designed, created, and directed the show. Let Him show you the beauty in your circus and live for an audience of One as Christ takes the 3 ring circus in your life to destinations only He could ever dream or imagine. 

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.”
Psalm 139:1-18 NIV

Loosing Sleep Over Broken Glasses

My son recently became so angry and frustrated at school he broke his glasses in half. He felt so ashamed and guilty that he let his anger get the best of him. His dad and I talked to him numerous times and explained to him that we forgive him for breaking his glasses and talked about ways to cope with stress and anger.

That night we kissed the kids goodnight and they went off to bed. Lucas came down later carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I can’t sleep,” he said with his head tucked into his chin. “I’m so upset at myself and I feel bad for breaking my glasses.”

The love and compassion I had for my son in that moment could not be contained. I lifted his head tenderly and I looked into his eyes and I told him to let this go. I told him how much I love him and that I forgive him for breaking his glasses in anger. I told him the guilt and shame he feels is Satan trying to control him and break down his spirit. I told him I understand what it’s like to get angry and I know what it’s like to do things you regret. The pain and remorse from a sudden act can blind you from seeing your true value and worth. But we need to not allow our sin to define us and we need to stop listening to what Satan is whispering in our heads and start claiming how Christ sees us; valuable, good, strong, and created for a purpose.

I kissed him and he went to bed but my heart was so heavy as I watched my son hold unto a situation that God has redeemed and wanted Lucas to be liberated from. The guilt, shame and regret we feel after a moment of anger or sinful decision can paralyze us from experiencing the love, grace, and mercy God so desperately wants to give us. He lovingly tries to loosen our grip from holding onto these painful memories but Satan has a way of tightening our grasp with self pity and shame so we continue to carry the chain long after God has broken the lock and liberated us from the weight.

It’s crazy how Satan can take what God has claimed and with two simple letters destroy our identity in Christ. Satan whispers, "You are UNworthy, UNable, UNwanted, and UNdesired. Your sin is too great and your anger too out of control for you to ever be able to forgive yourself.”

But God, like a loving parent, lifts up our heads tenderly and speaks truth to our lives and washes away that prefix to reveal our true identity, WORTHY, ABLE, WANTED, and DESIRED. He takes our sin and the Bible says He thinks of it no more. The only UN that remains is UNderstanding, grace, and mercy.

Our God can and is able to take all the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame of our lives and think of it no more. It is a quality unique to Him and one of His most glorious promises. God wants us to be free from our past because He knows when we are free we can truly experience the depth of His grace and be at peace in a decaying world where we are surrounded by guilt and painful memories. Satan will try to remind us and destroy our identity, but God has claimed us and we must constantly remind ourselves of Who we truly belong to.

So I celebrate broken glasses and empty Kleenex boxes. For they remind me of the power God has to refine my brokenness and restore my soul. I am humbled by my sin and broken before my Savior who takes the messy pieces of my life and transforms them into a beautiful story that points to his grace and goodness. 

Do not be shackled by your past dear friend. Release the chain because the weight was dropped a long time ago. Experience His peace and marvel in His love. Hold your head high and appreciate what He is trying to teach you by refining you through your sin and painful circumstances. Allow Christ to wash away that prefix and reveal your true identity. You are worthy. You are able. You are wanted. You are desired. And above all dear friend, you are loved and you are free.