You Are A Terrible And Horrible Person

I had a someone recently tell me I'm terrible and horrible. They proceeded to tell me other things that made me feel inadequate, misunderstood, demeaned, and like a failure. I listened and tried to make peace, but inside I felt like I was being destroyed. This person believed they were being helpful and honest. They wanted to help me be aware so I can better relate to those I come in contact with and better myself. They truly believed they were being helpful which, made this conversation even more complicated and confusing.

Terrible and horrible. This conversation haunts me. I keep doubting myself and second guessing my actions trying to figure out what I did or how I could have been better. An array of emotions have flooded my mind and I just can't seem to make sense of it all. There is a voice in my head that keeps whispering, "Everyone feels this way about you. Stop fooling yourself into believing you are good enough. People don't like you, they pity you. You are a terrible and horrible person. Just crawl in a hole and never come out." 

You see friends, I might be outgoing and strike up conversation with a total stranger now, but on the inside I'm an overweight, shy little wall flower that struggles with feeling inadequate and of value to anyone. I have always struggled with being good enough and second guess myself constantly. I wasn't always confident, and by God's grace He has helped me realize where my true worth lies but that vulnerable little girl will always be inside me and Satan is always looking for an opportunity to have her make a debut. 

Terrible and horrible. I keep hearing this conversation on replay in mind.

With ministry, helping international students, my teaching career, and kids activities I interact with people constantly. This critique is hard for me to take because it rocks the foundation of who I am and how I try to live life. If I am perceived by others as terrible and horrible then how is God's love for a mankind being shown through me? How can I claim to be made in His image if the image I portray causes others to feel such strong and negative emotions? 

When I try to figure out what to do next, I hear God whisper, "Trust Me and celebrate. In all circumstances celebrate." So how do I turn the hurt and confusion I feel into a life giving memory? How do I take words that paralyze my abilities and transform them into words that uplift and cultivate a life of worship and celebration? 

As I pray, read scripture, and think about how He molds and refines us, I am confident God is teaching me through this situation the power words have on others. I too have been guilty of saying words that tear down and do not build up. Aren't we all guilty of this? We allow our emotions to cloud our judgement and say things that can destroy relationships, reputations, and cause others to perceive us in ways that are not valid or true. I am ashamed to think of some of the things I have said in my youth, said out of anger, or said out of malice masked by "good intentions". 

I'm starting to look back and process this memory with a heart of grace, understanding, and thanksgiving. Honestly, the words spoke to me hurt and were not life giving, but I am thankful I am not defined by them. The terrible and horrible parts of my life have been forgiven long ago and I'm free to take on a new identity. I make mistakes, but my mistakes are covered by His grace and my true identity is found in Christ. It's His opinion that matters to me and when those in this world call me names to bring me down, He calls me beloved, child, good and faithful.

I know logically the words spoke to me do not portray who I am. As I look at my life and how I interact with others I see a gal who is not perfect, but always strives to love and serve. I see someone who sacrifices and believes in and sees value in others. I am saved by grace and I try to live that way.

So I celebrate tonight as I listen to my sweet Stella breathe that I might be misunderstood by some, but I am fully known by the One who matters. I want to build others up and give grace to those who need a second chance. I want others to feel valued and empowered not discouraged and inadequate so I am thankful God allows us to have opportunities to interact and edify each other. I won't be distracted and too busy to take time to let someone know they matter and I will try to show others the grace and love bestowed to me over 2,000 years ago. 

Your intentions mean nothing if your words don't give life. May we all humbly evaluate ourselves and our actions so Christ can mold and refine us to be better, love unconditionally, and give grace to those we feel don't deserve it. When harsh words come, allow Christ's perception of you to replay in your mind. Allow Him to whisper, "You are loved, you are my daughter, you are forgiven, and sweet girl... you are free." 

Thank you Jesus for breathing life into dry bones and for giving us the ability to breathe life with the words we speak. May the opinions we convey uplift and give life, or may we have the wisdom to give no opinion at all. 

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT

Who Do You Turn To?

During the summer, our connect group is not meeting every week. Everyone is so busy in the summer and our group was going to be hit or miss so we all decided a break would be good. What I didn't anticipate was the sense of displacement I would feel because we are not weekly getting together. I miss being with these wonderful people and sharing a meal with them while we listen to all of our kids play as we try to concentrate on the study we are going through. 

There are 7 families in our connect group and a total of 20 kids with 2 on the way. In this group, we invest in one another and laugh together. If one family is struggling, we all feel the burden of their struggle and band together to help any way we can. It wasn't easy to build these relationships, but now that we are invested in one another, we depend on one another for support.

This is the group I go to for prayer. I go to them when I want to get away from life and just be myself because they know me and do not define me by my weaknesses. I never worry this group will judge me but I rely on this group to hold me accountable and to call me out on the table when I'm acting like an idiot. 

Do you have group of people you trust enough to speak truth into your life? A group that can hold you accountable and spur you on in Christ. A group that brings out the best in you and when you are around them their company makes your day brighter, your burdens lighter, and your struggle easier to bare.

Life is meant to be lived in community. When we allow Satan to separate us from the body, we make ourselves and our families susceptible to patterns of complacent living, selfish behavior, and sin. You can be a Christian and not connect with others Christians weekly for accountability, but you will never experience all the benefits of living a life with Jesus. You will never fully understand how to live and love as He did, until you take the time to invest in what is important to Christ, His church. 
 
I want my children to grow up seeing Godly community lived out and practiced. Community that rejoices together and invests in one another. Community that prioritizes spending time with one another because we all understand life is too difficult to live alone. One thing my parents taught me that I practice to this day is the importance of just showing up. When we show up and allow ourselves to be invested in community, God shows up and transforms our priorities and our mindset. Through community and studying God's word together, serving together, and loving each other we start to see our schedules and the way we are living life a little differently. The kid's being involved in everything seems less important and the hours a week we devote to hobbies we find "relaxing" don't seem to refresh us like they used to. We want to be with the community and we feel disconnected when we don't see each other regularly. 

Jesus made it a priority to be with the twelve disciples. Teaching them, laughing with them, and investing in them. Did He invest in the masses of lost people? Absolutely. Did He take time for Himself to pray and be alone? You bet He did. But we see Jesus time and time again sharing a meal with the twelve. Traveling with the twelve. Investing in the twelve. Jesus understood the importance of connecting with a small group of people who got it and tried to live life with purpose. He knew it was important for the twelve so they could fulfill the great commission, but also it was important to Jesus so He had a group of people He could depend on. They weren't perfect, but they loved Him and all were willing to sacrifice everything for Him so others could experience the same love and grace willing given to them. 

If Jesus hadn't invested in community what would our faith look like today? If He was too busy to connect with a small group of guys and build relationships with them, the church would have failed. You can't remove community groups from God's plan and the formula work. Christ followers were designed to live together, worship together, pray together, love each other and unite together. When you are a part of this kind of community, it transforms you from the inside out.

As I think about Stella and all our family has been through the past 18 months. I think of where we were and where God has lead us. I think of all the people who have made a difference in our lives and have encouraged us through the chaos and uncertainties we faced and I cherish them and thank God we didn't have to go it alone. We had strong support and love from family and friends. God takes care of us through the kindness of others. He hugs us, through a hug given in His name. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Just like my children look out for each other, we look out for another. His design for community brings hope, joy, and true acceptance. It takes time and there are awkward moments, but the end result is a group of imperfect people banning together for a common goal; to love one another as Christ loved us.

Celebrate God's Work In You

You are always changing as you journey with Jesus. Just when you think you have it figured out, He shows you how little you understand and how dependent you are upon Him. As you continue to seek Him and cultivate a relationship with Him, you start to become more like Him. When this transformation happens, God reveals to you what habits and behaviors have to go so your transformation can continue and God can do His work in you.

This is not an easy process my friends when we are open and honest with ourselves and humbly admit the icky parts of our personality. We all have icky parts. Habits and behaviors God calls us to surrender so we can be more like Him. The ickiness that we try to mask so others won't see those parts of our lives we have not fully surrendered to Christ.

God showed me one recently. An icky part in me I needed to deal with. A behavior in my life that I needed to surrender to Jesus so I could be more like Him. I didn't smell the stench myself. I deceived myself and unwilling allowed the ickiness to take root in my behavior and attitude. We all do this in one way or another. As God reveals this to you, how you handle this new found revelation testifies to the love you have for your Savior.

Don't get me wrong friends. We all make mistakes and will continue to make them this side of heaven. That's why His mercy and grace is new for us each day and His love is never ending. But the icky parts are personality traits or behaviors we have allowed to mold and deteriorate who we are and what work God can do through us. They are sins in our lives that go unchecked and untreated and bring ickiness to our relationships when the stench of these behaviors rise.

I'm so thankful God is not done with me yet. I'm so thankful He teaches me everyday how to live and love like Jesus. He takes my hand and lovingly shows me what is stinking so I can surrender those parts of my life to Him for cleansing and peace. God cleanses what is decaying and makes us new again so we don't have to smell the stench and allow these behaviors to cause havoc in our relationships.

Can you relate my friend? Has God ever shown you something about yourself that is not who you are or how you want to be perceived? Celebrate Him my friends. Give those toxic behaviors to Him and trade them for peace, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control.

Thank you Father for not leaving me in my stench but washing me clean so I can be made perfect in your sight. Reveal to me what I habits I must break to be more like Jesus and give me the strength Lord to daily surrender my wants and desires at your feet so I can be kingdom focused and centered on the things that truly matter. I celebrate your goodness and grace for you love me enough to not leave me in my ickiness and for this provision I am truly grateful.

Counting Chickens

What can I say friends. Sometimes life doesn't go how you think it will go. It's very humbling actually. You think you have a plan and have things figured out but then reality strikes and you realize you counted your chickens before they hatched. Nothing too tragic, just not what you expected. 

Can you relate my friends? 

In times like this, I must remind myself who is really in control and that His plan is far better than mine. Even in my disappointment, I can celebrate a Savior who will never disappoint me and the reality of His sovereignty, grace, and goodness give me perspective. Things don't always go the way we plan but when life takes a turn in a direction we didn't expect, our choice to surrender to His will and not try to force ourselves down a path not intended for us, shows who we truly trust and rely on. 

God is good and even when things don't work out how we expect, He provides other opportunities and adventures far more fulfilling and specially designed just for us. Relinquish control. Trust Him when things don't as planned, and celebrate through the uncertainties in life. God provides for us far better than we could ever provide for ourselves and that is a fact. Allow Him to take you someplace you were not expecting. Trust and truly be at peace because He's got this my friends. He can handle it, don't you worry about that. 

Lord, we praise you when life does not make sense and things we thought were not as they appear. We understand you know us better than we know ourselves and like a loving Father, you take care of your children. Thank you for closed doors and when life does not go as we intended because it reminds us of our dependence upon you. Take us where you want us to go. Lead the way. We are ready to follow.