You Are A Terrible And Horrible Person

I had a someone recently tell me I'm terrible and horrible. They proceeded to tell me other things that made me feel inadequate, misunderstood, demeaned, and like a failure. I listened and tried to make peace, but inside I felt like I was being destroyed. This person believed they were being helpful and honest. They wanted to help me be aware so I can better relate to those I come in contact with and better myself. They truly believed they were being helpful which, made this conversation even more complicated and confusing.

Terrible and horrible. This conversation haunts me. I keep doubting myself and second guessing my actions trying to figure out what I did or how I could have been better. An array of emotions have flooded my mind and I just can't seem to make sense of it all. There is a voice in my head that keeps whispering, "Everyone feels this way about you. Stop fooling yourself into believing you are good enough. People don't like you, they pity you. You are a terrible and horrible person. Just crawl in a hole and never come out." 

You see friends, I might be outgoing and strike up conversation with a total stranger now, but on the inside I'm an overweight, shy little wall flower that struggles with feeling inadequate and of value to anyone. I have always struggled with being good enough and second guess myself constantly. I wasn't always confident, and by God's grace He has helped me realize where my true worth lies but that vulnerable little girl will always be inside me and Satan is always looking for an opportunity to have her make a debut. 

Terrible and horrible. I keep hearing this conversation on replay in mind.

With ministry, helping international students, my teaching career, and kids activities I interact with people constantly. This critique is hard for me to take because it rocks the foundation of who I am and how I try to live life. If I am perceived by others as terrible and horrible then how is God's love for a mankind being shown through me? How can I claim to be made in His image if the image I portray causes others to feel such strong and negative emotions? 

When I try to figure out what to do next, I hear God whisper, "Trust Me and celebrate. In all circumstances celebrate." So how do I turn the hurt and confusion I feel into a life giving memory? How do I take words that paralyze my abilities and transform them into words that uplift and cultivate a life of worship and celebration? 

As I pray, read scripture, and think about how He molds and refines us, I am confident God is teaching me through this situation the power words have on others. I too have been guilty of saying words that tear down and do not build up. Aren't we all guilty of this? We allow our emotions to cloud our judgement and say things that can destroy relationships, reputations, and cause others to perceive us in ways that are not valid or true. I am ashamed to think of some of the things I have said in my youth, said out of anger, or said out of malice masked by "good intentions". 

I'm starting to look back and process this memory with a heart of grace, understanding, and thanksgiving. Honestly, the words spoke to me hurt and were not life giving, but I am thankful I am not defined by them. The terrible and horrible parts of my life have been forgiven long ago and I'm free to take on a new identity. I make mistakes, but my mistakes are covered by His grace and my true identity is found in Christ. It's His opinion that matters to me and when those in this world call me names to bring me down, He calls me beloved, child, good and faithful.

I know logically the words spoke to me do not portray who I am. As I look at my life and how I interact with others I see a gal who is not perfect, but always strives to love and serve. I see someone who sacrifices and believes in and sees value in others. I am saved by grace and I try to live that way.

So I celebrate tonight as I listen to my sweet Stella breathe that I might be misunderstood by some, but I am fully known by the One who matters. I want to build others up and give grace to those who need a second chance. I want others to feel valued and empowered not discouraged and inadequate so I am thankful God allows us to have opportunities to interact and edify each other. I won't be distracted and too busy to take time to let someone know they matter and I will try to show others the grace and love bestowed to me over 2,000 years ago. 

Your intentions mean nothing if your words don't give life. May we all humbly evaluate ourselves and our actions so Christ can mold and refine us to be better, love unconditionally, and give grace to those we feel don't deserve it. When harsh words come, allow Christ's perception of you to replay in your mind. Allow Him to whisper, "You are loved, you are my daughter, you are forgiven, and sweet girl... you are free." 

Thank you Jesus for breathing life into dry bones and for giving us the ability to breathe life with the words we speak. May the opinions we convey uplift and give life, or may we have the wisdom to give no opinion at all. 

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT