I'm going to be honest. I am not happy living in an apartment. The walls are paper thin and I hear everything from the loud music to the clanking of the ceiling fan in the apartment below. We are crammed in tight and my kids have no where to let loose and play. It's hard to have people over and I constantly feel on edge because it is difficult to relax at home. I am not happy all the time, but I am content and I do find joy in this unideal situation.
God is teaching me a very important lesson while I live in this tiny space. My contentment and security in His plan are not linked to my emotions. I cannot trust how I feel but I can trust in Him, so I am disciplining myself to find joy in all circumstances. We are very blessed to have a clean place to live that is affordable. We do not struggle and my kids are safe. I am finding joy and thanksgiving in this season of life but my joy is not linked to my happiness as it is hard to be happy when you are kept awake by a variety of noises and mild tremors.
Here's the thing friends. If our contentment and joy are based on our happiness, it will not last. You will not be happy all the time. Life will go through seasons of bleh and rain clouds. We are human and we live in a world that is saturated with highs and lows so we should anticipate we will not be happy all the time. Here's the truth God is resonating in my heart as I am in a season of bleh living... it's ok.
We don't have to be happy all the time. God understands not every blessing He provides is going to make us happy. He is not worried so much about our happiness as He is concerned about our ability to find contentment and joy during the seasons when we need to be the most. Do we celebrate and trust His plan even when we feel bleh? Does the truth He is good still permeate through our soul during the times of life when we struggle feeling good ourselves? God desires to teach us, mold us, refine us. Those verbs can distort and break down the element being transformed and this process is not ever easy and that's to be expected. God doesn't command us to be happy. He commands us to discipline ourselves to be joyous.
I can honestly say even though I'm not happy with my situation all the time I am content. I know God has a plan and I can patiently wait as He unravels that plan to me. I can honestly say I am joyous even when I don't feel happy all the time. God has blessed me and given me so much how can my heart not be joyous? I have to realize my contentment and joy are separate from how I feel in the moment. My emotions can trick me and give me a false sense of security whether positive or negative. My wisdom and security must come from the truth of how He feels about me, not how I feel about myself or circumstance.
You see my friends happiness is an emotion. Joy is a discipline. Disciplines are not easy to master and not connected to how we feel in the moment. Happiness only takes what is happening now into account, joy is taking what He did on the cross into account. In the shadow of the cross, joy is found. I can't help but be joyous when I think of my Jesus and His love for me. Joy puts into perspective the frustrations and worries we have right now so we can worship and find peace in the present.
I try to find rest as I watch sweet Stella sleep and I am soothed by the truth of His love and provision. My soul, just like sweet Stella, has found peace and rest in His promises and sacrifice. I'm so thankful God has helped me understand I do not have to fake happiness to possess joy. I can be bleh sometimes, it's ok. As long as I am grounded in His promises and trust His plan my happiness is not all that important. I am becoming more and more aware of the importance of putting my life in perspective and nurturing a contented heart. I'm learning the key to being joyous is focusing less on my circumstance and more on His sacrifice.
So I celebrate the bleh times of my life. I accept I won't be happy all the time and celebrate my joy is not linked to my emotions. I celebrate the rain clouds for they always are proceeded a beautiful rainbow. God has a way of turning the unhappy moments into treasured memories of His love and provision.
I pray my friends you will take heart when you are unhappy and don't beat yourself up for feeling down. Our contentment and joy are not linked to situations but instead they are linked to something much more stable, our Savior. So whatever is making you unhappy in the moment do not allow the situation to sabotage your joy. Let's focus less on how we feel and fixate on how He feels about us so we can find peace and joy as we celebrate during the unhappy times in our lives. After all, our unhappiness will pass but if we discipline ourselves our joy can last forever.
Therefore, since we are
surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off
everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us
run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
~ Hebrews 12:2-3
10.25.2014
Celebrate Our Vulnerable Infancy
God is known throughout the Bible by many names. The
Everlasting God, God Almighty, Yahweh, Lord, Master, Creator, Sustainer are
just a few. In His divine nature and ultimate power He could have chosen to
have us call Him anything, but God in His desire for intimacy chose to let us
know Him as Father. We call Him Father and He calls us His children.
What does this mean? God the Father, in His perfection, knew
we would not be able to grasp who He is or fully understand His love for us. He
knew our humanness we could never comprehend the vast love of a divine Creator
so God chose to use human relationships and experiences as an illustration of
His divine attributes. Throughout the Bible, God uses this imagery and
storytelling as He paints a picture of His deep desire to restore mankind and
establish a relationship with them.
To fully understand the significance of this truth, we must
understand what a father is meant to be. Some were not portrayed a Biblical
earthly example of a father. Either through absence, neglect, or abuse your
earthly father’s memory does not evoke feelings of love and devotion. The word
father brings memories of pain, strife, and abandonment which create a warped
and tainted view of this relationship. Friends, let me first say I am deeply
sorry for the pain you experienced. It was not God’s intention but a product of
a world mutated by sin and infested with its affect. The deep desires you have
to be loved, cared for, and accepted by your earthly father can still be met
when we run to the arms of our Heavenly Father.
Let’s examine this imagery of God being our Father. First,
He is our Creator. In Genesis 1 the Bible tells the story of creation. Mankind
originated from God as an expression of His desire to care for His creation. He
made us in His image and gave mankind everything He created to look after and
enjoy. He desired mankind to be prosperous and successful and He blessed them.
Up unto this point, creation is only looked upon as good. After God creates
man, He refers to His creation as VERY good. He created us willingly and
lovingly to be a blessing as we care for His creation. We also receive His blessing of prosperity
and provision.
Secondly, God the Father is a provider. God knew before He
created mankind provision would be needed. As sin entered the world and
division between God and mankind was established, His plan to provide payment
for sin was made known while God provides for His children as they wait for
payment to be made on the cross. The justice God the Father required was
provided in the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. All history built up to this
event where God the Father guaranteed His children eternal provision through
Christ. His love was so deep that He literally went to Hell and back so we
could call Him father.
God the Father is not only an eternal provider but an
earthly provider as well. The Bible says God provides for the righteous and the
unrighteous. He sustains creation and provides a world where mankind can grow
and thrive. This provision is not based on mankind’s acknowledgment; rather it
is based on God’s desire to make Himself known so all may have an opportunity
to come to Him.
Lastly, God the Father loves unconditionally. We see a
beautiful image of His love for us in the story of the prodigal son. As the
father waits and watches, he sees the son coming in the distance and he runs to
greet him. Despite his grime and stench, the father throws his arms around him
in a tender embrace and kisses him. He wraps him in a robe and places the
family ring on his finger. The son knows exactly what he is going to say as he
begs the father for forgiveness, but the father does not listen. He orders his
servants to throw a party and the household rejoices in the lost son coming
home again.
Never does the Bible record the father wanting to know what
the son had done in his rebellion. Never does the father demand the son repay
what he has squandered. On the contrary, the father rejoices in finding his son
as he is. With an unconditional love and acceptance for who the son is right
now and not what the son could be tomorrow the father lavishly pours out his
love on his son. That’s the love God the Father has for us. A love that says
come as you are, broken and dirty, and I give you rest. It does not matter to
God what we have done, what matters is we came home out of a desire to mend the
broken relationship and be close to the father once more.
We are His children. God the Father created us, provides for us, and loves us unconditionally. I think of my sweet Stella as I rock her
and caress her tiny fingers. She cannot repay me for the provision I give. She
is vulnerable and if I did not provide her with food and care, she would die
because she cannot provide for herself. Stella is utterly dependent upon me for
her care and because I unconditionally love her, I take joy in this
provision. It is my greatest delight to provide for Stella and do whatever I
must to nurture and build my relationship with her. I love her no matter what
she does or will do. Her actions are irrelevant because my love will not
change no matter if it is desired, deserved, or reciprocated.
God the Father loves us the same way but with a stronger
more intense love only given by the Heavenly Father. He is passionate about us
with an all-encompassing love that never fails His children. Is that not what
we desire? To be loved no strings attached. Just loved because we are His
children and nothing we do or have done will ever change that. This love is
pure and simplistic but complex and profound at the same time.
As I rock sweet Stella, I celebrate my vulnerability. I celebrate the grace and mercy shown so I could call Him Father. I celebrate because I am His child and He is my provider. Let my sweet Stella always be a reminder that I am as vulnerable and dependent as an infant for my eternal needs. I can never repay my Heavenly Father for the eternal provision He has given and would literally die if He left me to care for myself. Thank you Father for your unchanging love. I am proud and blessed to be Your child.
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:19
10.22.2014
Celebrate His Answer
Have you ever prayed hard for something and your prayer was met by silence? Time goes on and you continue to pray in faith that God will answer in His timing. Then while in line at Starbucks or as you put on your make-up in the morning, the answer to your prayer comes. In the most unexpected moment what you have been praying to see is shown and your heart is so thankful you outwardly express joy. Others in line stare at the oddity of your tears and excitement while they create space just in case you are contagious. Make-up has to be reapplied because you have mascara in places it doesn't belong and there is no reason your everyday lipstick should remind you of Bozo the clown. The answer comes when you didn't expect it and you can help but celebrate, He answered!
I have been praying for a while God would give me an idea for a book. I tried to write a book about Stella and as I wrote, my book transformed into this blog which has been a blessing to me. The platform to speak and be vulnerable in my writing while I pray fervently over each post so God might encourage, comfort, and speak words to those who read them has been very therapeutic. Celebrate with Stella gives purpose to the trials I face daily and is always a reminder to celebrate and search for what God is trying to teach me. Testifying to my sin and situations to showcase the attributes of my Creator makes me feel whole. I want Him to be glorified and celebrated in all circumstances so I drop the masks we women wear and I'm real. This realness gives my life so much joy and purpose.
As I visit with men and women and listen to their testimonies I am overwhelmed by the way God uses our story to effect others. We all deal with different sin and situations but it's crazy how I can relate and empathize as my Heavenly Father shows me we are not so different. We all are broken and need to be fixed. We were all lost but He found us. Our stories weave together and a glorious picture of His grace and mercy is displayed when we give our testimonies a voice and use what He has done in our lives to point to the cross.
I was getting ready for work this morning, a normal Wednesday no different than any other, when God spoke to me and waves of thankfulness and joy washed over me. I know what to write about. He finally answered my prayer! I was so thankful and joyous. Excited and overwhelmed. God answered my prayer and I joyfully celebrated His answer!
As I got sweet Stella ready this morning I was so thankful and joyous that I forgot to change her out of her PJs. The daily tasks of the morning were kind of a blur in view of His answer. I think my children brushed their teeth and put clean socks on but honestly I don't know. I was distracted and giddy this morning because He answered and I couldn't help but celebrate!
So in times of silence, be patient my friends. Keep praying. Keep believing. Keep celebrating. God will answer, sometimes in the most unexpected moments, but He will answer. The answer may come in a form we anticipate or it may come in a closed door or failed venture. If we pray and seek, He will focus our view so we can see His answer and faithfulness in the most cloudy times of life. He will provide. He will comfort. He will sustain. When the answer comes rejoice and give thanks for His voice was heard and no matter what the response, that is cause to celebrate!
I have been praying for a while God would give me an idea for a book. I tried to write a book about Stella and as I wrote, my book transformed into this blog which has been a blessing to me. The platform to speak and be vulnerable in my writing while I pray fervently over each post so God might encourage, comfort, and speak words to those who read them has been very therapeutic. Celebrate with Stella gives purpose to the trials I face daily and is always a reminder to celebrate and search for what God is trying to teach me. Testifying to my sin and situations to showcase the attributes of my Creator makes me feel whole. I want Him to be glorified and celebrated in all circumstances so I drop the masks we women wear and I'm real. This realness gives my life so much joy and purpose.
As I visit with men and women and listen to their testimonies I am overwhelmed by the way God uses our story to effect others. We all deal with different sin and situations but it's crazy how I can relate and empathize as my Heavenly Father shows me we are not so different. We all are broken and need to be fixed. We were all lost but He found us. Our stories weave together and a glorious picture of His grace and mercy is displayed when we give our testimonies a voice and use what He has done in our lives to point to the cross.
I was getting ready for work this morning, a normal Wednesday no different than any other, when God spoke to me and waves of thankfulness and joy washed over me. I know what to write about. He finally answered my prayer! I was so thankful and joyous. Excited and overwhelmed. God answered my prayer and I joyfully celebrated His answer!
As I got sweet Stella ready this morning I was so thankful and joyous that I forgot to change her out of her PJs. The daily tasks of the morning were kind of a blur in view of His answer. I think my children brushed their teeth and put clean socks on but honestly I don't know. I was distracted and giddy this morning because He answered and I couldn't help but celebrate!
So in times of silence, be patient my friends. Keep praying. Keep believing. Keep celebrating. God will answer, sometimes in the most unexpected moments, but He will answer. The answer may come in a form we anticipate or it may come in a closed door or failed venture. If we pray and seek, He will focus our view so we can see His answer and faithfulness in the most cloudy times of life. He will provide. He will comfort. He will sustain. When the answer comes rejoice and give thanks for His voice was heard and no matter what the response, that is cause to celebrate!
10.20.2014
You're invited to my pity party...
Words are powerful. Words can be used to tear down or to build up. It's crazy how we can destroy what God is trying to restore with a short conversation. James warns us about our words and there power. He writes no man has tamed the tongue and it is a deadly weapon that can have long lasting effects. You can apologize for what you say but you can never erase the memory and pain that was inflicted when you said it.
In contrast words can edify and restore as well. Words of kindness and love can heal the brokenhearted. Words spoken that are empowered by the Spirit can be used to change the world and bring salvation to the masses. Our words can be used for good or evil depending on the healthiness of our heart. Words testify to what our heart is feeling and the heart, if left to run wild, cannot be trusted.
When I set off on this intentional journey to live a life of celebration and grow closer to Christ as He makes me new everyday, I didn't realize it would be this difficult. Worth wild? Yes. A journey that has cultivated a deeper more passionate love and understanding for my Creator? Most definitely. But as I grow and discover Him and what it means to be His, I see things in myself that I know I need to change and that is difficult. Not because my salvation depends on it, but because if I am going to follow Him and go where He is going then I need to look more like Him and be able to respond to things in life the way He would respond.
Matthew 12:37 the Message version specifically says, "Words are powerful; take them seriously." I have been shown on this journey the extent in which I need to tame my tongue and blanket my heart with peace and perspective. Too often in the heat of the moment or out of tiredness and stress I say words meant to sting or cause despair. Not out of desperation but, if I'm honest with myself, out of the selfish desire to alert others to the stress and craziness I am feeling. I don't want to carry the chaos alone, so at times I will disrupt others and make them privy to what I am feeling.
Whether it be worry, anger, or pity we sometimes want to alert others to what is going on so we can selfishly disrupt their existence and maybe get a little sympathy or at the very least give them a taste of what we are feeling. Maybe if we release some of these emotions with our words, we can feel better and can be internally cleansed. So we expel words and have conversations about our problems in the heat of the moment when our heart is running wild from stress and lack of sleep. We hope the pity party we throw or an added jab of sarcasm will give us peace. Instead it continues the cycle of stress and crazy living so we leave the conversation feeling worse and others around us become unsettled while their joy is taken as a causality of our poorly chosen words.
This weekend when my heart was wild from stress and lack of sleep I had difficulty finding my perspective. I fought hard to discipline myself to have a joyous attitude and as I reflect I selfishly brought people into my chaos and gave them a taste of how I was feeling. Like ripples from a rock thrown into a pond, my words rippled threw the lives of those around me. I want to naively believe others were not aware of my mood and short temper but to do so would deny me the lesson I am gratefully learning from my sin, lack of preparation and perspective.
I made others aware of how much I had going on as I was burdened and stressed by tasks and activities. As I reflect I must ask myself. Did I rob people of their joy when I spoke? Did I use the opportunities God gave me to model Christ and His love? As I examine myself and my conversations, honestly, I am saddened by the reality and what I must admit to myself. Instead of thinking things through and blanketing my wild heart with peace and perspective, I foolishly chose instant relief and opened the door to the possibility I could cause damage to my reputation and my witness. I spoke how I was feeling when I was tired and stressed. I did not think about the possibility that my words and actions could cause harm. Bottom line, I didn't tame my tongue and I allowed my words to flow unchecked.
Can you relate to my situation friends??
As I rock sweet Stella, I think about conversations I have had that I wish I could rewind. I think about wasted opportunities to blanket my heart in peace so that the transformation Christ made in my heart could be seen.
As I ponder my words, I must also ponder my posts. Do my Facebook posts bring joy or am I venting how I feel in the heat of moment and joy is a causality of my newsfeed? Do I air love and wisdom or just dirty laundry on Facebook? Maybe we should read James 3:12 to say, "Can a Christ follower post on their newsfeed words of malice and malcontent? You cannot expect Godly advice and love to come from such a newsfeed."
Friends I am not saying do not confide and ask for prayer when you are struggling, but let's not publicly share anything that cannot bring glory to God or build up the community. We have a responsibility to honor and glorify God in the public arena and it is in these situations that Godly words can be powerful and effective. When people see us live out love in hard times and in times when we should be venting and throwing pity parties we blanket our hearts in peace and perspective the world notices. The Spirit begins to work and move in our relationships.
While sweet Stella snoozes in my arms I celebrate the power words have. I celebrate how God chooses to speak through people to transform families, neighborhoods, communities, and cultures. Something so small can make such a monumental difference if used as an offering to our Heavenly Father. When I bridle my speech and offer my words as an offering to God I will never have to worry about damaging my witness or reputation with words said in the heat of the moment. May I strive for peace, find perspective when I need it most, and say words that build hope and joy in the lives of all who hear and read them. Words are powerful, let's take them seriously.
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
~James 3: 3-6
In contrast words can edify and restore as well. Words of kindness and love can heal the brokenhearted. Words spoken that are empowered by the Spirit can be used to change the world and bring salvation to the masses. Our words can be used for good or evil depending on the healthiness of our heart. Words testify to what our heart is feeling and the heart, if left to run wild, cannot be trusted.
When I set off on this intentional journey to live a life of celebration and grow closer to Christ as He makes me new everyday, I didn't realize it would be this difficult. Worth wild? Yes. A journey that has cultivated a deeper more passionate love and understanding for my Creator? Most definitely. But as I grow and discover Him and what it means to be His, I see things in myself that I know I need to change and that is difficult. Not because my salvation depends on it, but because if I am going to follow Him and go where He is going then I need to look more like Him and be able to respond to things in life the way He would respond.
Matthew 12:37 the Message version specifically says, "Words are powerful; take them seriously." I have been shown on this journey the extent in which I need to tame my tongue and blanket my heart with peace and perspective. Too often in the heat of the moment or out of tiredness and stress I say words meant to sting or cause despair. Not out of desperation but, if I'm honest with myself, out of the selfish desire to alert others to the stress and craziness I am feeling. I don't want to carry the chaos alone, so at times I will disrupt others and make them privy to what I am feeling.
Whether it be worry, anger, or pity we sometimes want to alert others to what is going on so we can selfishly disrupt their existence and maybe get a little sympathy or at the very least give them a taste of what we are feeling. Maybe if we release some of these emotions with our words, we can feel better and can be internally cleansed. So we expel words and have conversations about our problems in the heat of the moment when our heart is running wild from stress and lack of sleep. We hope the pity party we throw or an added jab of sarcasm will give us peace. Instead it continues the cycle of stress and crazy living so we leave the conversation feeling worse and others around us become unsettled while their joy is taken as a causality of our poorly chosen words.
This weekend when my heart was wild from stress and lack of sleep I had difficulty finding my perspective. I fought hard to discipline myself to have a joyous attitude and as I reflect I selfishly brought people into my chaos and gave them a taste of how I was feeling. Like ripples from a rock thrown into a pond, my words rippled threw the lives of those around me. I want to naively believe others were not aware of my mood and short temper but to do so would deny me the lesson I am gratefully learning from my sin, lack of preparation and perspective.
I made others aware of how much I had going on as I was burdened and stressed by tasks and activities. As I reflect I must ask myself. Did I rob people of their joy when I spoke? Did I use the opportunities God gave me to model Christ and His love? As I examine myself and my conversations, honestly, I am saddened by the reality and what I must admit to myself. Instead of thinking things through and blanketing my wild heart with peace and perspective, I foolishly chose instant relief and opened the door to the possibility I could cause damage to my reputation and my witness. I spoke how I was feeling when I was tired and stressed. I did not think about the possibility that my words and actions could cause harm. Bottom line, I didn't tame my tongue and I allowed my words to flow unchecked.
Can you relate to my situation friends??
As I rock sweet Stella, I think about conversations I have had that I wish I could rewind. I think about wasted opportunities to blanket my heart in peace so that the transformation Christ made in my heart could be seen.
As I ponder my words, I must also ponder my posts. Do my Facebook posts bring joy or am I venting how I feel in the heat of moment and joy is a causality of my newsfeed? Do I air love and wisdom or just dirty laundry on Facebook? Maybe we should read James 3:12 to say, "Can a Christ follower post on their newsfeed words of malice and malcontent? You cannot expect Godly advice and love to come from such a newsfeed."
Friends I am not saying do not confide and ask for prayer when you are struggling, but let's not publicly share anything that cannot bring glory to God or build up the community. We have a responsibility to honor and glorify God in the public arena and it is in these situations that Godly words can be powerful and effective. When people see us live out love in hard times and in times when we should be venting and throwing pity parties we blanket our hearts in peace and perspective the world notices. The Spirit begins to work and move in our relationships.
While sweet Stella snoozes in my arms I celebrate the power words have. I celebrate how God chooses to speak through people to transform families, neighborhoods, communities, and cultures. Something so small can make such a monumental difference if used as an offering to our Heavenly Father. When I bridle my speech and offer my words as an offering to God I will never have to worry about damaging my witness or reputation with words said in the heat of the moment. May I strive for peace, find perspective when I need it most, and say words that build hope and joy in the lives of all who hear and read them. Words are powerful, let's take them seriously.
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
~James 3: 3-6
10.15.2014
The Idol of Control
I don't know why God always calls me to write about the messy bits of life but when He calls I answer so here goes nothing...
I have done a lot of soul searching and I have come to the conclusion I like to control things. When I am not in control, or do not trust the plan of the person that is, I must fight hard not to pull in the reins and try to control things myself. I know my plans do not always work, nor do I understand everything I attempt so sometimes it's best to allow others to lead and trust God has a reason for their leadership. Even if the project we lead is unsuccessful, we learn lessons that teach us what to do differently next time. Control can be detrimental to relationships when it does not allow others to lead and express a directive they are passionate about and capable of achieving.
Nick and I got into a fight last night... a big one born from my need to control. It happens very rarely so as we were fighting it felt "other" and uncomfortable. We know each other so well and, with this deep intimacy, also comes powerful ammunition. We know just the right words or nonverbal cues to antagonize the other so that the battle continued with verbal lashings and eye rolling. In full disclosure this was the time of month when my emotions are heightened and fuse quite a bit shorter so I felt like a tea kettle that was boiling and steam just had to escape. Nick, unfortunately, caught me at the wrong moment when he could not answer my question the way I thought it needed to be answered.
My husband is an amazing man and I am truly blessed. He is hard working, loves the Lord passionately, and is devoted to me and his children. But it is difficult for me to not be in control of somethings. I hope the wives reading my blog can relate. I think a task should be done this way, he does not. So we fight. It doesn't happen often but it did last night and our children had a front of view of the action.
Our fight only lasted 10-15 minutes before Nick apologized and tried to bring forgiveness to our conflict. He was not in the wrong to begin with, I was but Nick wanted badly to resolve this problem so he took the high road. I am so grateful to have a husband who takes the high road. It's such a humbling road to travel and people who walk this road are always admired and appreciated by others. I apologized as well and the anger began to subside as it was washed away by perspective and communication. We talked and tried to bring resolution to the situation. I apologized and tried to encourage him to minimize the damage my words had inflicted.
There are times in life you wish you could do over and rewind. This was one of those times. Why did I loose my temper and allow myself to enter into a dialog that was so unhealthy and damaging? I was convicted of my desire to take control even when it's not beneficial. My innate response was to fight and argue my opinion even though I knew it would cause hard feelings and hostility. I was convicted of this new found "idol" in my life. The desire to control if left unchecked can smother relationships and arrogantly tell God your way is best and your will more important than His. I never considered the idea I could worship and adore "control" but the reality I do, hit me hard and deep.
After the fight was over, the tunnel vision subsided and I began to think about what my children had just seen. During our fight, Samantha had gone to her room to create a list that could help Nick and I complete the task we were fighting about. That's Samantha, our gifted peace maker who tries hard to help others find resolution and dissipate conflict. Lucas had begun to fold laundry and he asked us what else he could do to help. Lucas can sense tension and he is a fixer so he tried to fix and help anyway he could. Lily, the emotional gauge for our family, was sitting in the living room sucking her thumb and stroking her arm. When Lily is stressed or tired she will suck her thumb and stroke the arm of the person who is cuddling with her. She says she wants to "love on your arm" so it didn't surprise me she was doing this to sooth and comfort herself. Our children very rarely see us fight and they handle situations differently, so I think they were trying to process and cope as they tried to solve and survive conflict the best way they knew how. Each child in their own way tried to help the family unit find harmony again and I deeply admire them for doing this even if they did it unintentionally.
I went to sleep repentant and slept well under a blanket of grace and forgiveness. As I drove the kids to school this morning, I thanked them for their help last night and apologized for my behavior. I let them know how much I love their dad and tried to tie things back to my faith in Christ. Our talk was not eloquently worded. I fumbled on what I was going to say as the thoughts of the previous evening played through my mind. I know it is important to model forgiveness and repentance, but it is difficult to do none the less. They told me it was ok and not much more was said on the subject but I felt better knowing they knew I was sorry. I felt a sense of relief as I clearly communicated how much I love and appreciate them.
The idol of control can destroy our relationships. Control can be a good thing when balanced, but swing the pendulum too far one way and it can reek havoc in our relationships. Most people do not recognize this idol. Abuse can be a siren to blare it's existence but it also can be clearly seen in a marriage where one person cannot do anything right or never live up to the expectation of the other. It can be seen when we belittle the ones we love because they do not live up to the standard or fit the mold we have plastered. If he does not put something where we think it should go or complete a task the way we think it should be done the idol of control begins to erect inside our hearts as we stand firm that our way is right and we know what is best.
There are unshakable truths and uncompromisable moral beliefs that we must cling to please do not get me wrong. But when he wants to spend the extra money he has earned on something he enjoys is that one of them? When he wants to play basketball once a week with his friends or the way he folds laundry can we not compromise and release control on those situations? When our kids want to wear clothes that don't match and look ridiculous can we not let them? Can we not allow our kids a consequence or two at school to teach them responsibility and to own their education so we do not have to remind them to get their planner signed and to show us important notes.
Whether it is our spouse or our children we must fight the urge to control the mundane and unimportant issues in life so that the ones we love can build confidence in their abilities or learn from their mistakes. Control can rob others of the joys and lessons life has to offer. We must call out this idol and try to not fall back into this detrimental habit that can daily consume us if we are not aware.
As I rock sweet Stella I celebrate the memories and lessons I have learned about myself. I celebrate my need for a Savior. I celebrate the realization that I worship and love a God who is in control and has my best interest at heart. When I want to desperately grab unto control, may I be reminded of the memories of conflict and strife that happen as a result of my stubbornness. May I always allow my loved ones the blessings that come with leadership and the lessons that come from failure.
Thank you Lord for using us in spite of our inadequacies. Help us to continue to learn from our mistakes so that our sin can showcase your grace and forgiveness. Lord help us to daily tear down the idol of control and resurrect an attitude of patience, peace making, and the gift of compromise.
I have done a lot of soul searching and I have come to the conclusion I like to control things. When I am not in control, or do not trust the plan of the person that is, I must fight hard not to pull in the reins and try to control things myself. I know my plans do not always work, nor do I understand everything I attempt so sometimes it's best to allow others to lead and trust God has a reason for their leadership. Even if the project we lead is unsuccessful, we learn lessons that teach us what to do differently next time. Control can be detrimental to relationships when it does not allow others to lead and express a directive they are passionate about and capable of achieving.
Nick and I got into a fight last night... a big one born from my need to control. It happens very rarely so as we were fighting it felt "other" and uncomfortable. We know each other so well and, with this deep intimacy, also comes powerful ammunition. We know just the right words or nonverbal cues to antagonize the other so that the battle continued with verbal lashings and eye rolling. In full disclosure this was the time of month when my emotions are heightened and fuse quite a bit shorter so I felt like a tea kettle that was boiling and steam just had to escape. Nick, unfortunately, caught me at the wrong moment when he could not answer my question the way I thought it needed to be answered.
My husband is an amazing man and I am truly blessed. He is hard working, loves the Lord passionately, and is devoted to me and his children. But it is difficult for me to not be in control of somethings. I hope the wives reading my blog can relate. I think a task should be done this way, he does not. So we fight. It doesn't happen often but it did last night and our children had a front of view of the action.
Our fight only lasted 10-15 minutes before Nick apologized and tried to bring forgiveness to our conflict. He was not in the wrong to begin with, I was but Nick wanted badly to resolve this problem so he took the high road. I am so grateful to have a husband who takes the high road. It's such a humbling road to travel and people who walk this road are always admired and appreciated by others. I apologized as well and the anger began to subside as it was washed away by perspective and communication. We talked and tried to bring resolution to the situation. I apologized and tried to encourage him to minimize the damage my words had inflicted.
There are times in life you wish you could do over and rewind. This was one of those times. Why did I loose my temper and allow myself to enter into a dialog that was so unhealthy and damaging? I was convicted of my desire to take control even when it's not beneficial. My innate response was to fight and argue my opinion even though I knew it would cause hard feelings and hostility. I was convicted of this new found "idol" in my life. The desire to control if left unchecked can smother relationships and arrogantly tell God your way is best and your will more important than His. I never considered the idea I could worship and adore "control" but the reality I do, hit me hard and deep.
After the fight was over, the tunnel vision subsided and I began to think about what my children had just seen. During our fight, Samantha had gone to her room to create a list that could help Nick and I complete the task we were fighting about. That's Samantha, our gifted peace maker who tries hard to help others find resolution and dissipate conflict. Lucas had begun to fold laundry and he asked us what else he could do to help. Lucas can sense tension and he is a fixer so he tried to fix and help anyway he could. Lily, the emotional gauge for our family, was sitting in the living room sucking her thumb and stroking her arm. When Lily is stressed or tired she will suck her thumb and stroke the arm of the person who is cuddling with her. She says she wants to "love on your arm" so it didn't surprise me she was doing this to sooth and comfort herself. Our children very rarely see us fight and they handle situations differently, so I think they were trying to process and cope as they tried to solve and survive conflict the best way they knew how. Each child in their own way tried to help the family unit find harmony again and I deeply admire them for doing this even if they did it unintentionally.
I went to sleep repentant and slept well under a blanket of grace and forgiveness. As I drove the kids to school this morning, I thanked them for their help last night and apologized for my behavior. I let them know how much I love their dad and tried to tie things back to my faith in Christ. Our talk was not eloquently worded. I fumbled on what I was going to say as the thoughts of the previous evening played through my mind. I know it is important to model forgiveness and repentance, but it is difficult to do none the less. They told me it was ok and not much more was said on the subject but I felt better knowing they knew I was sorry. I felt a sense of relief as I clearly communicated how much I love and appreciate them.
The idol of control can destroy our relationships. Control can be a good thing when balanced, but swing the pendulum too far one way and it can reek havoc in our relationships. Most people do not recognize this idol. Abuse can be a siren to blare it's existence but it also can be clearly seen in a marriage where one person cannot do anything right or never live up to the expectation of the other. It can be seen when we belittle the ones we love because they do not live up to the standard or fit the mold we have plastered. If he does not put something where we think it should go or complete a task the way we think it should be done the idol of control begins to erect inside our hearts as we stand firm that our way is right and we know what is best.
There are unshakable truths and uncompromisable moral beliefs that we must cling to please do not get me wrong. But when he wants to spend the extra money he has earned on something he enjoys is that one of them? When he wants to play basketball once a week with his friends or the way he folds laundry can we not compromise and release control on those situations? When our kids want to wear clothes that don't match and look ridiculous can we not let them? Can we not allow our kids a consequence or two at school to teach them responsibility and to own their education so we do not have to remind them to get their planner signed and to show us important notes.
Whether it is our spouse or our children we must fight the urge to control the mundane and unimportant issues in life so that the ones we love can build confidence in their abilities or learn from their mistakes. Control can rob others of the joys and lessons life has to offer. We must call out this idol and try to not fall back into this detrimental habit that can daily consume us if we are not aware.
As I rock sweet Stella I celebrate the memories and lessons I have learned about myself. I celebrate my need for a Savior. I celebrate the realization that I worship and love a God who is in control and has my best interest at heart. When I want to desperately grab unto control, may I be reminded of the memories of conflict and strife that happen as a result of my stubbornness. May I always allow my loved ones the blessings that come with leadership and the lessons that come from failure.
Thank you Lord for using us in spite of our inadequacies. Help us to continue to learn from our mistakes so that our sin can showcase your grace and forgiveness. Lord help us to daily tear down the idol of control and resurrect an attitude of patience, peace making, and the gift of compromise.
10.10.2014
A poem for the Martha's...
A poem for the Martha's in ministry. May we find time to celebrate with the Master and not be engrossed by the task at hand.
She made Him feel quite at home when He entered her village that day.
Her heart was for service, her home was an offering,
A place for others to gather, to learn, and pray.
She was busy baking bread, serving wine and keeping up,
As the tasks at hand began to pile and build.
She wanted badly to listen too as Jesus taught,
But if she did there would be a valuable spot in the kitchen to fill.
Where was her sister Mary she wondered,
As she dried off dishes and stacked them neatly.
Her heart of service began to turn bitter,
As she felt abandoned, unwanted, and discarded so discreetly.
I want to listen, I want to visit, she grumbled inside her heart.
Do they not see or understand the sacrifices I make,
Why won't Mary help or was she "too good" to take part?
Her thoughts began to wander to disdain, anger and spite.
She poured more wine and washed more dishes,
But her demeanor was ill tempered and in service she no longer took delight.
How she longed for some relief and help,
To lighten the task at hand.
But no one seemed to care at all,
This could not go on, she had to take a stand.
To the Master she must state her peace,
Mary must be told her place.
Help will be given He will understand,
Mary's behavior was such a disgrace!
"Master," she interrupted, her tone was bold and frustrated.
"Don't you see me working hard while this sister of mine, sits and does nothing.
Make her mind, tell her to work, I feel so isolated!"
The Master looked at her with love and His eyes were full of pity.
"Martha, dear Martha, you are getting worked up over nothing," He said.
"You're fussing way too much.
Mary sees only one thing is truly important,
and to this she must grasp onto and clutch.
She wants to gather, to learn, to pray am I not more essential?
Dear Martha I will not take this from her, the dishes can wait.
Mary has chosen wisely, for it is time to stop and to celebrate."
Do we take time to stop and worship,
To sit and listen to the Master speak?
Or do we tire with work less important,
In a box of service labeled as "meek".
Dear Martha's we must not trap ourselves,
For "meek" this is a phony label.
It is a ruse designed to snare,
"Martyr" fits better and is not a fable.
Let us break free and truly worship,
Not miss a moment at the Master's feet.
For when we were broken He did save us,
And in Him our work is truly complete.
Let us serve with gladness and a grateful heart,
To the Master whose sacrifice can truly liberate us.
He is essential, nothing else matters,
So we can abandon the tasks that truly debilitate us.
For in Him we are free we are free indeed,
And we must dwell is His presence daily.
Nothing else matters,
The dishes can wait.
Jesus is worthy,
Wisely choose and celebrate!
May God help us to see our phony labels and remind us daily of what is really important.
She made Him feel quite at home when He entered her village that day.
Her heart was for service, her home was an offering,
A place for others to gather, to learn, and pray.
She was busy baking bread, serving wine and keeping up,
As the tasks at hand began to pile and build.
She wanted badly to listen too as Jesus taught,
But if she did there would be a valuable spot in the kitchen to fill.
Where was her sister Mary she wondered,
As she dried off dishes and stacked them neatly.
Her heart of service began to turn bitter,
As she felt abandoned, unwanted, and discarded so discreetly.
I want to listen, I want to visit, she grumbled inside her heart.
Do they not see or understand the sacrifices I make,
Why won't Mary help or was she "too good" to take part?
Her thoughts began to wander to disdain, anger and spite.
She poured more wine and washed more dishes,
But her demeanor was ill tempered and in service she no longer took delight.
How she longed for some relief and help,
To lighten the task at hand.
But no one seemed to care at all,
This could not go on, she had to take a stand.
To the Master she must state her peace,
Mary must be told her place.
Help will be given He will understand,
Mary's behavior was such a disgrace!
"Master," she interrupted, her tone was bold and frustrated.
"Don't you see me working hard while this sister of mine, sits and does nothing.
Make her mind, tell her to work, I feel so isolated!"
The Master looked at her with love and His eyes were full of pity.
"Martha, dear Martha, you are getting worked up over nothing," He said.
"You're fussing way too much.
Mary sees only one thing is truly important,
and to this she must grasp onto and clutch.
She wants to gather, to learn, to pray am I not more essential?
Dear Martha I will not take this from her, the dishes can wait.
Mary has chosen wisely, for it is time to stop and to celebrate."
Do we take time to stop and worship,
To sit and listen to the Master speak?
Or do we tire with work less important,
In a box of service labeled as "meek".
Dear Martha's we must not trap ourselves,
For "meek" this is a phony label.
It is a ruse designed to snare,
"Martyr" fits better and is not a fable.
Let us break free and truly worship,
Not miss a moment at the Master's feet.
For when we were broken He did save us,
And in Him our work is truly complete.
Let us serve with gladness and a grateful heart,
To the Master whose sacrifice can truly liberate us.
He is essential, nothing else matters,
So we can abandon the tasks that truly debilitate us.
For in Him we are free we are free indeed,
And we must dwell is His presence daily.
Nothing else matters,
The dishes can wait.
Jesus is worthy,
Wisely choose and celebrate!
May God help us to see our phony labels and remind us daily of what is really important.
As
they continued their travel, Jesus entered a village. A woman by the
name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a
sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said.
But Martha was pulled away by all she had to do in the kitchen. Later,
she stepped in, interrupting them. “Master, don’t you care that my
sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand.”
The Master said, “Martha, dear Martha, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it’s the main course, and won’t be taken from her.”
~Luke 10: 38-42
The Master said, “Martha, dear Martha, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it’s the main course, and won’t be taken from her.”
~Luke 10: 38-42
10.07.2014
Punch Card Christianity
I'm a creature of habit. I drive the same way to work and the same way home. I stop at the same gas station every morning around the same time (hopefully) and fuel up with a Diet Coke to meet the challenges of my day. The gas station I stop at has a punch card and if I buy 6 fountain drinks the 7th one is free. What a blessing! This means at the end of every week I can go inside, fill up my styrofoam cup with a refreshing Diet Coke for free!! I know it seems trivial, but when you are going on fumes nothing fills the old tank like a fountain drink. I stopped this morning, went through the motions and got my card punched. I dropped sweet Stella off at daycare and began the 20 minute drive through corn fields and past wind mills to the small country school I teach at.
I was still in awe of God's goodness and the crazy adventure we journeyed together this weekend as I drove to work. I was contemplating what I was going to write about and meditating on Jesus and how I long to serve Him and make Him proud of me. I want to be a mom who goes the extra mile and guides her children in His ways. I want to be the wife who supports and encourages her husband so that He can be successful and feel loved and valued. I want to be a teacher who creates an environment where students can be successful, meet their goals, and gain a self confidence and sense of pride that will last a lifetime. I want to be a woman of God who encompasses the Proverbs 31 traits to motivate and encourage women to be more like Him.
I want Jesus to be proud of me and see I was worth dying for. As I drive and think about His love, a simple truth hits me hard and its impact resonated deep inside my soul. He already is proud of me and He loves me with as much love as He can muster right now. He loves me as much as He can and nothing I do or don't do will take away or change how much He loves me.
Sometimes I think we slip into punch card Christianity. If I love more, surrender more, and do more then Christ will punch my card for each good deed I perform. When my card is full I can turn it into Him for more love, more esteem, more gratitude. But this kind of love is focused on us and what we can achieve instead of focused on Him and what He did achieve. That's the beauty of the cross! That's the beauty of His sacrifice. He took our punch cards, nailed them to the cross and gave us the gift of FREE forever! Free love, free peace, free hope, and free life no holding back giving us everything He has and ever will have. Price paid in full by His blood for those who call upon His name and accept His gift and sacrifice. Praise the Lord, it's all FREE and not dependent on how many rules I keep or good deeds I perform.
This sort of completely unfair and sacrificial love draws me in and I want to love Him back and worship Him. I want to make Him happy and please Him not because I'm forced to, but because I get to. His love freely given and the cross a product of that love compels me to find ways to love Him back. It's similar to when my husband secretly cleans the entire house because he loves me. When I walk in, I see the product of his hard work and how he wants nothing more than for me to relax and not be burdened by laundry. I can't help but hug him and try to find ways to show him how much I love and appreciate him too.
This provisional love and desire to put what I need first is so intense and inviting that my priorities shift and I focus less on me and more on Him. As I rock sweet Stella tonight I am swallowed by His love and with the intensity He displays it. I celebrate how freely His love is given and how intentional His plan to rescue the world was. I celebrate that He tore up my punch card and replaced it with covenant promise He would return for me someday.
His love is exhilarating and I can't wait to see where He leads as I follow Him down the windy roads and harvest fields of life. Being a creature of habit it can be uncomfortable to not understand what the future holds but one thing is certain. A life lived by a punch card holds no meaning and value for I can never be good enough or do enough to punch my way to heaven. As I grab hold of my Diet Coke, I will lean hard on His promises to meet the challenges I face each day. God is good and He is worthy of our praise. Not because we have to praise Him but because we choose to celebrate Him and that dear friends is the glory of the gospel.
God—you’re my God! I can’t get enough of you!
I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.
I was still in awe of God's goodness and the crazy adventure we journeyed together this weekend as I drove to work. I was contemplating what I was going to write about and meditating on Jesus and how I long to serve Him and make Him proud of me. I want to be a mom who goes the extra mile and guides her children in His ways. I want to be the wife who supports and encourages her husband so that He can be successful and feel loved and valued. I want to be a teacher who creates an environment where students can be successful, meet their goals, and gain a self confidence and sense of pride that will last a lifetime. I want to be a woman of God who encompasses the Proverbs 31 traits to motivate and encourage women to be more like Him.
I want Jesus to be proud of me and see I was worth dying for. As I drive and think about His love, a simple truth hits me hard and its impact resonated deep inside my soul. He already is proud of me and He loves me with as much love as He can muster right now. He loves me as much as He can and nothing I do or don't do will take away or change how much He loves me.
Sometimes I think we slip into punch card Christianity. If I love more, surrender more, and do more then Christ will punch my card for each good deed I perform. When my card is full I can turn it into Him for more love, more esteem, more gratitude. But this kind of love is focused on us and what we can achieve instead of focused on Him and what He did achieve. That's the beauty of the cross! That's the beauty of His sacrifice. He took our punch cards, nailed them to the cross and gave us the gift of FREE forever! Free love, free peace, free hope, and free life no holding back giving us everything He has and ever will have. Price paid in full by His blood for those who call upon His name and accept His gift and sacrifice. Praise the Lord, it's all FREE and not dependent on how many rules I keep or good deeds I perform.
This sort of completely unfair and sacrificial love draws me in and I want to love Him back and worship Him. I want to make Him happy and please Him not because I'm forced to, but because I get to. His love freely given and the cross a product of that love compels me to find ways to love Him back. It's similar to when my husband secretly cleans the entire house because he loves me. When I walk in, I see the product of his hard work and how he wants nothing more than for me to relax and not be burdened by laundry. I can't help but hug him and try to find ways to show him how much I love and appreciate him too.
This provisional love and desire to put what I need first is so intense and inviting that my priorities shift and I focus less on me and more on Him. As I rock sweet Stella tonight I am swallowed by His love and with the intensity He displays it. I celebrate how freely His love is given and how intentional His plan to rescue the world was. I celebrate that He tore up my punch card and replaced it with covenant promise He would return for me someday.
His love is exhilarating and I can't wait to see where He leads as I follow Him down the windy roads and harvest fields of life. Being a creature of habit it can be uncomfortable to not understand what the future holds but one thing is certain. A life lived by a punch card holds no meaning and value for I can never be good enough or do enough to punch my way to heaven. As I grab hold of my Diet Coke, I will lean hard on His promises to meet the challenges I face each day. God is good and He is worthy of our praise. Not because we have to praise Him but because we choose to celebrate Him and that dear friends is the glory of the gospel.
God—you’re my God! I can’t get enough of you!
I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
In your generous love I am really living at last!
~Psalm 63: 1-3
10.05.2014
Prayers for a Snowflake
This is the true story of eight ordinary women and one extraordinary God...
Myself and seven other women were driving back from a Women of Faith conference one afternoon in autumn. At the conference, we experienced God's presence and saw the need to pray for opportunities to impact the lives of women for Christ. We stopped at the Casey's close to the stadium and a gal in the group, Dixie, overheard a woman customer ask for a ride. You have to know Dixie to understand, but she is the friend that you love dearly and is a beautiful daughter of Christ but watch out because when Dixie is around there is normally a story to tell and an adventure to follow. Dixie felt the Spirit telling her to give this woman a ride, so being women of faith, this church van full of ordinary women answered the call.
The woman's name was Snowflake and she was severely overweight, filthy, and very downcast. She looked like life had not been kind to her and she had seen more of the world than anyone could ever imagine. She was hesitant to tell them much about herself, but opened up a little about her family and story. She had a daughter named Lily, which we had this in common. My face lit up as I tried to encourage this broken and desperate woman. I told her about Matthew 6:28 which is why I named my daughter Lily and about God's goodness and provision.She looked like she was listening and she nodded and smiled very politely.
She went on to tell us she was homeless and had cancer and needed chemo but can't afford it. She needed a ride to see her uncle "Spider" who was suffering from liver cancer. We only drove her a couple miles and I talked to her as I said what the Spirit told me to say. I felt terrible for her and my heart was very heavy. I did not feel like I had adequate words of comfort but I knew my God was adequate enough to solve any problem.
I felt like I had a connection with this poor soul and the Spirit began telling me to ask her to pray and to share Jesus with her. I asked Dixie to pray for her as tears fell uncontrollably from her eyes. Dixie's prayer was led by the Spirit and God's love and mercy was shown to this beautiful Snowflake. Another woman in the van as we spoke felt called to quietly collect money to give her. We presented her with an offering of love and as His grace, mercy and goodness filled the church van, Snowflake became more bold and candid with her thoughts.
Snowflake opened up as intense sin and experiences from her past came pouring out of her lips. She sobbed uncontrollably and clutched the arms of the church women sitting around her. As her story unfolded and she discussed drug addiction, prostitution, and loosing her daughter my heart was breaking and I internally prayed for my God to give me words and be present in this situation. Snowflake through the tears and pain admitted she had been trying to kill herself and she did not feel worthy to live. It was an intense moment for the entire group and the precious women I was with did not know what to say or do to comfort her.
I listened as she divulged even deeper sin and pain and I became concerned that she was not mentally stable as she confessed something none of us ever thought we would hear. Snowflake told us she had accepted the Lord 3 weeks earlier and He had forgiven her for her cannibalism. She said she doesn't eat people anymore and she was suicidal because she felt worthless, abandoned, and alone. She was confessing such intense, deep, heavy sin as she sobbed in the first row of our church van.
The Spirit pushed me hard to speak boldly, strongly, and with conviction. I told her she was not worthless. I told her she was beautiful in His eyes. I told her God loved her and had a purpose for her. I told her never to loose hope and to always cling to His goodness. I made her promise to go to a church or place where she could get help and get back on her feet. I testified to His goodness, grace and mercy. I reached out to her and spoke light into the darkest of situations and circumstances. I urged her become part of a Biblical community and made sure she understood if she did not seek help that Satan would try to drag her back down into the pit of shame and despair.
She promised me she would and another woman in our group gave her the Bible she just purchased and a book that could help guide her through the storms of life. She encouraged her to read it and allow God to speak to her through His word. As we spoke, Snowflake did not want to leave the safety and community she found in our van. I wanted desperately to do more, but her load was too heavy for us alone. Only Christ could provide what she truly needed and I felt the Spirit urging me to part ways and allow Him to continue the journey with her alone. We opened the door for Snowflake, she got out, and we drove away.
I am haunted by this experience. I have been facing so many difficulties not only in ministry but in life recently. I felt like if something could go wrong it had this past summer as Satan tried to discourage and derail our family from ministry but after my encounter with Snowflake I was brought to my knees with feelings of thankfulness and utter awe of God's goodness and provision towards my family.
The stories of brokenness she testified to resonated in my mind as I realized how naive and sheltered I truly am. I have chosen joy and celebration in hard times and know the healing power of claiming God's promises but to encounter such desperation and despair. Such loneliness and shame, I was left speechless in His presence wondering how we the church, His bride, are going to fix problems of such a catastrophic nature.
I don't know how much truth there was in her story or if she was so plagued with mental illness she was not in touch with reality. Regardless, I know God provided an opportunity to love on the very least of these and our woman of faith were up for the task. God showed us a glimpse of His power and love for all mankind. He showed the the importance of having eyes to see and the courage to act when the Spirit is calling. He showed me how He used each of us through our giftedness in the moment and gave each of us an opportunity to show her God is real, alive, and in control. His love is strong enough to reach those in the darkest places and if we put our trust in Him, He is capable of rescuing us from the deepest of sins and situations.
Even now recalling the events of that evening give me chills. The protection and provision God showed our group is nothing short of a miracle. In His divine wisdom He took a church van full of house wives to minister to a homeless, suicidal, drug addict who claimed to be an ex-cannibal at a Casey's in downtown Lincoln, NE. It didn't hit me until later on that night how truly blessed and protected we were by God and His angels. This situation could have gone bad quickly but God in His mercy and grace kept us safe from harm and gave us the tools we needed to show compassion to Snowflake who was in a fragile and vulnerable state.
Looking back as I rock sweet Stella, I realize the world would consider us irresponsible and insane for doing what we did. We willing had an encounter with a very unstable woman who could have robbed, hurt, or even killed us but I am 100% certain this encounter was orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. We were called by God to love on Snowflake and faithfully plant the seeds of love, compassion, grace and mercy in her soul. If we are not willing, are too scared, or full of excuses that prevent us from listening to the Spirit, the seeds are never sown. When the seed is not sown, it cannot bear a harvest and God cannot cultivate the fruit. His cleansing power and His unfailing love cannot be experienced or accepted unless the seed is originally sown.
So I celebrate the seed though insignificant at first, over time grows into a beautiful lush harvest. I celebrate the power of prayer and God's protection when we need it the most. I celebrate how God is encouraging and empowering His people to claim mercy, live boldly, and dwell in the freedom that comes when Christ takes over your life. I celebrate eight women in a church van who listened to the call of the Master even when they didn't truly understand. For it is His hand that guides us and gives us the words to say as we lift up a broken world and say a prayer for a Snowflake.
14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?
~ James 2:14-20
Myself and seven other women were driving back from a Women of Faith conference one afternoon in autumn. At the conference, we experienced God's presence and saw the need to pray for opportunities to impact the lives of women for Christ. We stopped at the Casey's close to the stadium and a gal in the group, Dixie, overheard a woman customer ask for a ride. You have to know Dixie to understand, but she is the friend that you love dearly and is a beautiful daughter of Christ but watch out because when Dixie is around there is normally a story to tell and an adventure to follow. Dixie felt the Spirit telling her to give this woman a ride, so being women of faith, this church van full of ordinary women answered the call.
The woman's name was Snowflake and she was severely overweight, filthy, and very downcast. She looked like life had not been kind to her and she had seen more of the world than anyone could ever imagine. She was hesitant to tell them much about herself, but opened up a little about her family and story. She had a daughter named Lily, which we had this in common. My face lit up as I tried to encourage this broken and desperate woman. I told her about Matthew 6:28 which is why I named my daughter Lily and about God's goodness and provision.She looked like she was listening and she nodded and smiled very politely.
She went on to tell us she was homeless and had cancer and needed chemo but can't afford it. She needed a ride to see her uncle "Spider" who was suffering from liver cancer. We only drove her a couple miles and I talked to her as I said what the Spirit told me to say. I felt terrible for her and my heart was very heavy. I did not feel like I had adequate words of comfort but I knew my God was adequate enough to solve any problem.
I felt like I had a connection with this poor soul and the Spirit began telling me to ask her to pray and to share Jesus with her. I asked Dixie to pray for her as tears fell uncontrollably from her eyes. Dixie's prayer was led by the Spirit and God's love and mercy was shown to this beautiful Snowflake. Another woman in the van as we spoke felt called to quietly collect money to give her. We presented her with an offering of love and as His grace, mercy and goodness filled the church van, Snowflake became more bold and candid with her thoughts.
Snowflake opened up as intense sin and experiences from her past came pouring out of her lips. She sobbed uncontrollably and clutched the arms of the church women sitting around her. As her story unfolded and she discussed drug addiction, prostitution, and loosing her daughter my heart was breaking and I internally prayed for my God to give me words and be present in this situation. Snowflake through the tears and pain admitted she had been trying to kill herself and she did not feel worthy to live. It was an intense moment for the entire group and the precious women I was with did not know what to say or do to comfort her.
I listened as she divulged even deeper sin and pain and I became concerned that she was not mentally stable as she confessed something none of us ever thought we would hear. Snowflake told us she had accepted the Lord 3 weeks earlier and He had forgiven her for her cannibalism. She said she doesn't eat people anymore and she was suicidal because she felt worthless, abandoned, and alone. She was confessing such intense, deep, heavy sin as she sobbed in the first row of our church van.
The Spirit pushed me hard to speak boldly, strongly, and with conviction. I told her she was not worthless. I told her she was beautiful in His eyes. I told her God loved her and had a purpose for her. I told her never to loose hope and to always cling to His goodness. I made her promise to go to a church or place where she could get help and get back on her feet. I testified to His goodness, grace and mercy. I reached out to her and spoke light into the darkest of situations and circumstances. I urged her become part of a Biblical community and made sure she understood if she did not seek help that Satan would try to drag her back down into the pit of shame and despair.
She promised me she would and another woman in our group gave her the Bible she just purchased and a book that could help guide her through the storms of life. She encouraged her to read it and allow God to speak to her through His word. As we spoke, Snowflake did not want to leave the safety and community she found in our van. I wanted desperately to do more, but her load was too heavy for us alone. Only Christ could provide what she truly needed and I felt the Spirit urging me to part ways and allow Him to continue the journey with her alone. We opened the door for Snowflake, she got out, and we drove away.
I am haunted by this experience. I have been facing so many difficulties not only in ministry but in life recently. I felt like if something could go wrong it had this past summer as Satan tried to discourage and derail our family from ministry but after my encounter with Snowflake I was brought to my knees with feelings of thankfulness and utter awe of God's goodness and provision towards my family.
The stories of brokenness she testified to resonated in my mind as I realized how naive and sheltered I truly am. I have chosen joy and celebration in hard times and know the healing power of claiming God's promises but to encounter such desperation and despair. Such loneliness and shame, I was left speechless in His presence wondering how we the church, His bride, are going to fix problems of such a catastrophic nature.
I don't know how much truth there was in her story or if she was so plagued with mental illness she was not in touch with reality. Regardless, I know God provided an opportunity to love on the very least of these and our woman of faith were up for the task. God showed us a glimpse of His power and love for all mankind. He showed the the importance of having eyes to see and the courage to act when the Spirit is calling. He showed me how He used each of us through our giftedness in the moment and gave each of us an opportunity to show her God is real, alive, and in control. His love is strong enough to reach those in the darkest places and if we put our trust in Him, He is capable of rescuing us from the deepest of sins and situations.
Even now recalling the events of that evening give me chills. The protection and provision God showed our group is nothing short of a miracle. In His divine wisdom He took a church van full of house wives to minister to a homeless, suicidal, drug addict who claimed to be an ex-cannibal at a Casey's in downtown Lincoln, NE. It didn't hit me until later on that night how truly blessed and protected we were by God and His angels. This situation could have gone bad quickly but God in His mercy and grace kept us safe from harm and gave us the tools we needed to show compassion to Snowflake who was in a fragile and vulnerable state.
Looking back as I rock sweet Stella, I realize the world would consider us irresponsible and insane for doing what we did. We willing had an encounter with a very unstable woman who could have robbed, hurt, or even killed us but I am 100% certain this encounter was orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. We were called by God to love on Snowflake and faithfully plant the seeds of love, compassion, grace and mercy in her soul. If we are not willing, are too scared, or full of excuses that prevent us from listening to the Spirit, the seeds are never sown. When the seed is not sown, it cannot bear a harvest and God cannot cultivate the fruit. His cleansing power and His unfailing love cannot be experienced or accepted unless the seed is originally sown.
So I celebrate the seed though insignificant at first, over time grows into a beautiful lush harvest. I celebrate the power of prayer and God's protection when we need it the most. I celebrate how God is encouraging and empowering His people to claim mercy, live boldly, and dwell in the freedom that comes when Christ takes over your life. I celebrate eight women in a church van who listened to the call of the Master even when they didn't truly understand. For it is His hand that guides us and gives us the words to say as we lift up a broken world and say a prayer for a Snowflake.
14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?
~ James 2:14-20
10.03.2014
Celebrate the psycho mom in us all
My heart is telling me to celebrate but my brain just won’t
listen. Do you ever feel like you are trying so hard to change how you perceive
things? I woke up late this morning and rushed to get the kids ready for
school. My intention was to let Nick sleep in but I guess one has trouble
sleeping when your crazy wife is yelling through the apartment about brushing
teeth and wearing socks. Nothing was going my way this morning. Between
disappearing laundry, pee drama, and an investigation for a missing school bag
I was ready for bedtime before I even ate breakfast. It was like my children
were going at a snails pace and they had left their ability to think lying on
their pillows as they struggled to do routine morning tasks. My children might
need therapy after the images of psycho mom they saw this morning which left
one crying and two scared to speak.
Apartment living for a family of six is very difficult. I
try really hard to celebrate and find joy in our cozy living space. I want
desperately to feel thankful to God 24/7 for providing me with what I have, but
the truth is I find myself lately trying to force or fake a thankful heart as
we cram into our tiny space exploded with laundry and dirty dishes. The
realization that I’m not as thankful as I should be all the time makes me feel
terrible and Satan latches onto me again whispering how I am terrible
because I feel this way.
God has blessed me with 4 beautiful children, a loving
husband, wonderful job, and amazing friends and family. I am blessed beyond
belief and God has generously always provided what I need so why do I doubt his
goodness and feel unthankful for the riches He has bestowed upon me???
It’s very easy friends, because I am human. Living this side of heaven I will always wrestle with the desires of my flesh telling me I need more, deserve more, and am entitled to get more. I will always fight for thanksgiving in hard circumstances because it is my natural humanness to long for what I don’t have and take for granted what I do. It is realizing I must lay down my desires for comfort, acceptance, and stability daily that truly jump starts the process of restoring a heart of thankfulness and celebration.
It’s very easy friends, because I am human. Living this side of heaven I will always wrestle with the desires of my flesh telling me I need more, deserve more, and am entitled to get more. I will always fight for thanksgiving in hard circumstances because it is my natural humanness to long for what I don’t have and take for granted what I do. It is realizing I must lay down my desires for comfort, acceptance, and stability daily that truly jump starts the process of restoring a heart of thankfulness and celebration.
So as I daily surrender my disgruntled attitude and desires
to mold the clay for the Master, I will find comfort in knowing God understands
my humanness and has compassion for an uncontented broken record like myself.
My sweet Stella reminds me He is faithful and good even when we don’t feel or
see Him. His patience is unparalleled and His ability to understand what I truly need instead of what I think I need, leaves me wondering why I ever doubt His provision in the first place.
Even when my brain tells me I should be upset I will celebrate, because He should have been upset and instead He chose mercy. When I feel I deserve bigger and better I will celebrate, because I truly deserve worse and am owed nothing. My brain doesn't work sometimes and it tries to lead me astray but as I rock sweet Stella I am finding comfort in acknowledging this realization. I don't have to be held captive by my thoughts and feelings. I can find freedom in His promises and in my ability to lay my humanness at His feet for only He can transform my attitude and perspective. I must always remember where I have been and what He has led me through. I must never forget and always testify to the transformation process that occurs when Christ moves in and is allowed to mold me into something beautiful.
Psycho mom pays a visit when my brain is not working and regret always follows after her departure. I celebrate she is inside me for she reminds me of my need for a Savior. As I turn my eyes towards Jesus and allow Him to transform my attitude, I must pray this prayer daily and not rely on my brain to work in the heat of the moment but rely on Him and His promises to calm and cure my sullenness.
Lord, please do not allow me to be lead astray in the heat of the moment when my humanness is strong and my flesh weak. Please help me to find ways to remember there is freedom from a disgruntled attitude if I choose to put my life into perspective and celebrate. Give me eyes to see the situation I am in for what it truly is. Cultivate a heart of thanksgiving inside me and surround me with thankful people to brighten my day and lift my spirits. Forgive me when I forget and help me use my weakness to point others toward your greatness.
I'm going to take a deep breath, pray, and put my life into perspective. After all, there is a psycho mom inside us all ready to visit, hurt, and destroy the relationships in our lives. She shows up fast and is hard to contain. Her visit leaves a terrible mess to clean up and she is always remembered with shame and regret. I celebrate my Savior who can cure the psycho mom in us all if we choose to gain perspective and remember what's important even when our brain is not working.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
~ Ephesians 4: 22-24
Even when my brain tells me I should be upset I will celebrate, because He should have been upset and instead He chose mercy. When I feel I deserve bigger and better I will celebrate, because I truly deserve worse and am owed nothing. My brain doesn't work sometimes and it tries to lead me astray but as I rock sweet Stella I am finding comfort in acknowledging this realization. I don't have to be held captive by my thoughts and feelings. I can find freedom in His promises and in my ability to lay my humanness at His feet for only He can transform my attitude and perspective. I must always remember where I have been and what He has led me through. I must never forget and always testify to the transformation process that occurs when Christ moves in and is allowed to mold me into something beautiful.
Psycho mom pays a visit when my brain is not working and regret always follows after her departure. I celebrate she is inside me for she reminds me of my need for a Savior. As I turn my eyes towards Jesus and allow Him to transform my attitude, I must pray this prayer daily and not rely on my brain to work in the heat of the moment but rely on Him and His promises to calm and cure my sullenness.
Lord, please do not allow me to be lead astray in the heat of the moment when my humanness is strong and my flesh weak. Please help me to find ways to remember there is freedom from a disgruntled attitude if I choose to put my life into perspective and celebrate. Give me eyes to see the situation I am in for what it truly is. Cultivate a heart of thanksgiving inside me and surround me with thankful people to brighten my day and lift my spirits. Forgive me when I forget and help me use my weakness to point others toward your greatness.
I'm going to take a deep breath, pray, and put my life into perspective. After all, there is a psycho mom inside us all ready to visit, hurt, and destroy the relationships in our lives. She shows up fast and is hard to contain. Her visit leaves a terrible mess to clean up and she is always remembered with shame and regret. I celebrate my Savior who can cure the psycho mom in us all if we choose to gain perspective and remember what's important even when our brain is not working.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
~ Ephesians 4: 22-24
10.01.2014
Reflecting on the past while I worship in the present
There are defining characteristics that set us apart from other animals like our ability to worship. The Bible talks about how the heavens cry out there is a God and nature is a testimony of the Divine Creator but we are God's only creation that chooses worship. When you explore nature and discover the beauty and majesty of chiseled rock formations or the crisp salty smell of ocean waves crashing as the tide comes in to wash the cool sticky sand off your feet. I think of when I saw sweet Stella for the first time, 5 weeks after conception, no heart beat just an egg. To watch her grow month to month and see her form from a few cells into this precious baby who not only eats and breaths but dreams and laughs. From the moment she was alert, she had personality and she possessed the ability to love and to feel love, not because of anything she had willed but because she was intentionally designed. When I contemplate the complexity of life forming and the vastness of outer space, I can't help but accept there is a Divine Creator.Creation was designed to draw us closer to God and to affirm His existence. The magnitude and intricacy of creation testifies to His abilities. Our Father in His goodness gave us a small taste of what He can do so humanity would drawn closer to Him and know His power, feel His love and celebrate His glory. Creation does not have a choice, it was designed and created to sing out and worship Him always. But, God in His desire to be loved, gave mankind a choice. We can choose to worship Him or to allow ourselves not to acknowledge His power, not feel His love, and to justify His glory as a random event so we may dismiss the possibility that He deserves to be worshiped.
I am often drawn to tears when I truly reflect and worship my Creator. I think it's because I'm pretty much an open book anyways so the emotions of gratitude, desperation, thankfulness, and joy lie close to the surface. When I choose to dwell in His presence and worship, I am undone. I can't help but express in some way what is going on inside me when I am reminded of His abounding grace, mercy, and provision. To reminisce and be drawn back to memories where I felt so alone and to in hind sight see God's hand in the midst of my pain. Like a master craftsmen he molded me and refined me. He distorted my spirit and broke down my humanness so that I could fully rely on Him and be a piece of art made for a purpose that He designed just for me.
As I look back on my life and the journey I allowed myself to take with Him, I cannot help but be moved to a place of worship in His presence. Choosing worship when the reality that He deserves to be worship is acknowledged makes me feel complete. God in His wisdom knew mankind would always long for purpose and we would innately crave something more, bigger, and better. Satan deceives us into believing we crave things we can obtain like relationships, drugs or careers. We chase bigger and better and the harder we chase the more we need and the more broken we become. When the answer is and always been not a chase but a stop and surrender. Surrender to His goodness and love so He can fill the longing of our heart and quench the cravings we possess through His mercy and grace.
As I write this and reflect on my journey with sweet Stella I cannot help but be in awe of God and His goodness. In awe of how He can take the worst experiences of life and transform them into memories that do not inflict pain but instead comfort and joy. My heart is filled with thankfulness as I remember the person I was, broken, weak, and inadequate. But as God molds and refines me I become focused more on what He has and less on my deficiencies.As I rock sweet Stella tonight I celebrate a God who is worthy or my praise. A God who sought me out and loves me in spite of my faults. A God who never weighed my inadequacies but instead took them from me while He hung on a cross. I marvel at His power, experience the depth of His love, and celebrate Him as I worship. May we all experience Him in a real and intimate way as we live this crazy life together in reckless abandon thanks to the blood of our Divine Creator.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
~Psalm 139: 13,14
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)