June 25th
I posted this on my way to Children’s Mercy…
I posted this on my way to Children’s Mercy…
We
are on our way to KC. Stella had some trouble but is doing well she just needs
some attention she can only get from Children's Mercy. They were very positive
and encouraging to us but please pray for her recovery. Thanks for the prayers
and we will keep you posted.
Do you
ever hide behind masks, words, and circumstances? When I posted this I was
scared out of my mind. Fear and desperation were overtaking me. But I felt like
I needed to be strong. I felt that I needed to put on a good attitude so that I
did not worry the people I love and that love our family. I didn’t feel like I
could be real and truly deal with the emotions I was feeling.
Less
than 8 hours ago she was safe inside me but now Stellla was in a helicopter and
breathing from a tube. I felt guilt, fear, and shame. I couldn’t admit this to
anyone because if I gave the emotions a voice, I felt like I was giving them
life and I could not give life to the demons I was dealing with inside. It was
easier to bury these emotions deep and not deal with them, to run from them like
a child runs from the boogieman. Both evils have no power unless given by the
one who flees and I fled for my life as my fears gained strength and stamina.
I wore
masks of strength and confidence but on the inside I was weak and broken. I
told myself if I continue to act strong, I would be strong but the truth is
true strength does not come from within it comes from Christ. Nick reminded me
of this truth as we watched Stella in the ICN. I could tell he was afraid and
confused about what was going on, but unlike me, Nick did not give those fears
life. He did not allow those fears to debilitate him and hide behind masks. He
gave life to the words of Christ and truly believed the words he spoke. He not
only knew Christ was in control, Nick felt it and in feeling God’s sovereignty
he could celebrate.
I
learned an important lesson that day. When we give life to words of God, either
through scriptures or Godly advice, these words fuel a perspective of
celebration. They starve the fears and shame that grows inside us and give
birth to hope and celebration. Through scripture and Godly advice we can celebrate
in the darkest of times. Something crazy happens when we do this, the masks come
off and strength we faked becomes actual strength we feel. So read God’s word
and get advice from Godly friends and family. Allow light into the darkest of
places and choose to rely on His strength and not on your own.
Thank
God. Breathing tube is out. She's getting better.
Nick
and I were exhausted but I did not want to leave our sweet Stella. Nick finally
convinced me we needed to leave and get some rest. We had been running on
little sleep and I had given birth less than 20 hours ago. We went to the
Ronald McDonald House inside of Children’s Mercy to take a nap in the parent
resting rooms. I did not sleep well and felt very torn. I wasn’t resting and I
wanted badly to go back to be with Stella. I knew I needed rest, but I felt she
needed me more. I felt as if I were putting my needs in front of hers when I
tried to rest and take a nap.
When
we returned to the ICN a few hours later. To our surprise Stella was not
intubated anymore. She was resting on a CPAP machine. The doctors had given her
surfactant to strengthen her lungs and she was progressing so they did not feel
like a breathing tube was necessary anymore.
I was
relieved and so thankful that she was progressing. I realized as I stroked her
hand and watched her sleep that I was no good to my sweet girl exhausted. If I
did not take care of my wellbeing I could not be any good to her. She needed me
to be sharp and able to function. When I denied myself rest, I denied her a
mother that could fully love, process, and care for her daughter. I realized
rest and wellness was extremely important and I had to make taking care of
myself a priority.
As the
weeks continued, I would have to be reminded of this truth frequently. As you
go through struggles and are having to care and nurture those you love, you
must remember to take time to care and nurture yourself. Sleep, eat, rest, and
care for yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically. Think of this as a
gift to the loved one you are caring for. You love them so much you want to
give them your best and to give them your best you must take care of yourself.
It is not selfish act; on the contrary it is a selfless one. Discipline yourself to rest so that you can be alert and able to see what God is doing in your circumstance. When we are exhausted we cannot see His hand working in the storms of life. It is easier to choose celebration if we have allowed ourselves to rest and function at our full capacity. Be blessed through your trials. Rejuvenate your mind and body so that the fog clears and you are able to see His feet guiding the way to salvation and joy. Rest and allow him to work, remember it is His strength that makes us strong not our own.
Words
can't describe how thankful we are for all the prayers and kind words. She is
doing better. We are waiting on test cultures to see if she has an infection.
Should know more tomorrow or Friday. Until then, we get to hold her and love on
her as she peacefully sleeps.
Got
to ride in an electronic cart at Walmart today... Not as fun as it sounds. But
Stella has clothes now that fit and a car seat to come home. Thanks so much for
continuing to pray for our family. We are so blessed by all the kind words and
texts. We will be updating and posting pics as she progresses. Love you all!!
I
tried to choose celebration as God took me on this journey. It wasn’t easy and
there were nights I rocked Stella and begged God to show me how to celebrate
through the tears. As I prayed for understanding, guidance, and healing the
spirit reminded me of a Bible study I lead this year. A study I lead with 4
college girls that prepared me for the trials God knew I would face. The study
was called “Small Things that Make a Big Difference”. By choosing to discipline
yourself daily and make small changes, over time those small changes make a big
difference and can impact your life forever. I challenged the girls to pray for
a word. One word that God spoke to them that represented their motto for the
year. My word came to me quickly, “discipline”. I needed to discipline myself
to read God’s word daily, to pray and cultivate my relationship with the Lord.
Taking
15 or 20 minutes a day, I began to read the bible and journal my thoughts. I
found God showing me new insights and giving me fresh perspective on what I was
reading. This simple act focused my day and refined my attitude. Daily
scripture reading is life changing. One small thing made a big difference in my
life.
Through
this study we were encouraged to look through scriptures to find the word we
chose. By doing this you can see how your word is used in the bible and find a
verse to be your verse for the year. A passage of scripture that you can rely
on and call upon to remind you of the word God gave you. I challenged the girls
to come up with a verse for the year that summed up the word God spoke to them.
The
verse I chose was Hebrews 12:11 which says, “At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going
against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the
well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.” I
called upon this verse frequently in the ICN to focus my life when this journey
would overwhelm me. It became a pillar, a verse of strength for me. The phrase “It always feels like it’s going against the
grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely…” reminded me in the tough times that better days
were coming.
The
study also emphasized the importance of verbally taking control of your
thoughts and speaking truth into your life. When we can verbally speak a phrase
that reminds us of what our purpose is, something powerful happens. It’s almost
like a verbal reboot, a way to shut down all the negative thoughts and problems
that can paralyze us and restart our minds to focus on the positive and
celebrate the small victories along the way. The phrase I came up with was “God
is in control, act like it. Celebrate no matter what!” The Lord spoke this
phrase to my heart months before I took this journey with Stella. God knew I
needed the small things to make a big difference in my life this summer and
looking back I can see Him preparing me for the journey I was going to take.
I
encourage you to pray for a word, a verse, and a phrase. Search your soul and
ask God to reveal to you what He is trying to teach you. This simple prayer
opened a door that led to sanity and celebration when the thoughts in my mind
leaned toward depression and despair. Allow God to give you purpose when you
need it the most.
Try to
do small things daily to make a big difference in your life. As I took this
journey, one of the small things I incorporated into my life was a unique structure
and routine for the ICN. This became very important to me and my routines seem
to give me some control and comfort when I felt lost and not much use at times
to Stella. I worked the small things into my routine as well, like scripture
reading, prayer, and journaling. I tried to bring some sense of order to my
life and this seemed insignificant at the time, but looking back, it made a big
difference.
So do
what you need to do on your journey. If you become a little OCD like I did, but
it is helpful and healthy for you and those around you, go for it. During hard
times we all act different and do things differently. There is nothing wrong
with that. If it brings you comfort to eat chocolate ice cream everyday at 3:00
p.m., do it. If you like to park by the elevator and walk a certain direction
to your destination, go for it. Find your way to productively bring order to
your life when you are surrounded by chaos.
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