I never enjoyed being pregnant. I was sick all the time, uncomfortable, over weight, all the normal pregnancy symptoms; but the worst part was the waiting. I am too impatient to wait 9 months for such a precious gift. I never handled pregnancy well and my 4th pregnancy was no different, if anything it was worse.
I had 3 beautiful children when I got
pregnant with Stella. All of my other children were born early, so when I went
into labor at 36 weeks with Stella I was excited and relieved. I had been on
bed rest for almost a week with high blood pressure. I was at risk for
preeclampsia and eager to hold her and know she was safe and healthy. My doctor
warned me she might have difficulty but I dismissed her warnings. I had 3
perfectly healthy children around 36 weeks so I knew everything would be just
fine. I figured my body just cooked babies a little faster; I was ready and so
was she, I was having this baby! 
There was excitement and joy in the labor and
delivery room. My husband, Nick, who had been at church camp for a month, met
me at the hospital. There was excitement in his voice and love in his eyes. He
is such a great father and the last 8 months had been just as difficult for him
as they were for me. He longed as I did to hold Stella and the realization our
4th child would be here soon made us gitty and joyous.
Around 1:00 a.m. my labor had progressed and
it was time to push. Stella did not have to wait long to make an entrance into
this world. It seemed like I pushed once and there she was. She was beautiful,
puffy, and crusty with the newness of life. A mother can only understand the
feelings I felt in that moment and my heart was so full of love I thought it
was going to explode. She looked healthy weighing in at 6 lbs 7 ounces. We
comforted and held her as she cried, this day was one of the happiest days of
my life.
Around 7:00 a.m. the nurse and doctor woke us
from our sleep. They took Stella to the nursery a few hours before to clean her
and allow us to rest. While they monitored Stella, they noticed she was having
difficulty breathing. We were informed a helicopter was coming to transport her
to Children’s Mercy because they were concerned she might stop breathing from
exhaustion. My husband and I went to the nursery to be with her and feelings of
fear and guilt swept over me like ocean waves. Stella was in an Isolet wearing
a tiny oxygen mask. It was apparent she was having difficulty breathing and as
she panted and struggled I rubbed her small hands to comfort her.
I didn’t understand how this could happen?
She seemed perfectly healthy just a few hours ago when we held her and welcomed
her into this world. Time seemed to stand still as I stroked her tiny fingers.
My husband asked questions about what was happening and I tried to pay
attention but I had trouble focusing on the conversations. I found my mind
being overtaken with guilt for my sweet Stella. Logically I know this is not my
fault but I was entrusted to keep her safe and I felt like I had failed to do
so. I felt weak and powerless, confused and overwhelmed.
We were discharged and grabbed our belongings
as the med flight team intubated her and flew her to Children’s Mercy. Kansas
City was a 90 minute drive from our hometown and as we drove we tried to wrap
our heads around what was happening. The feelings that paralyzed me were still
fresh in my mind when we got to the ICN. I had difficulty talking to anyone
about what was happening. It seemed when I tried to talk, the words would get
stuck in my throat and I would be overwhelmed by emotions. I tried hard not to
cry. I needed to be strong for Stella and for Nick.
When we were taken to Stella, I was not fully
prepared for what I would see. The tubes, monitors and machines made her seem
as fragile as a porcelain doll. I stroked her hand and watched her chest rise
up and down as the machine breathed for her. The fear and guilt I felt I hid
and buried deep as I tried to listen and ask questions about Stella’s progress.
On the inside, I felt as broken as my sweet Stella looked. I couldn’t hold her
to comfort her and I wanted to so badly. I irrationally wanted to go back in time
and demand they stop my labor so she could have more time to grow. I felt like
I had failed and my sweet innocent child was paying the price for my
impatience. How could this happen and what was I going to do.
My husband was so strong. My husband has
always believed that God puts you in circumstances where you can show what you
believe. We believe God takes care of His people. We believe He is in control
and worthy of praise in all situations. We believe God loves His people and
refines His children through difficult circumstances. As I sat and watched
Stella, Nick could tell I was struggling. He encouraged me and reminded me of
God’s promises. I realized I was at a crossroads. I could blame myself,
despair, and drown in my fears or I could trust God. I prayed and ask God to
take the feelings that paralyzed me away. I asked Him to forgive me for not
trusting and to teach me how to trust in this difficult time. I needed His
strength as I held on by a thread. I didn’t know how to get it, but I prayed
fervently He would teach me and show me how to be stronger.
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